When loneliness calls

We are well and truly into December, and there is something about this month that makes you feel ever so lonely if you are single. Even more so than being single on Valentine's Day. It's disheartening having nobody special to exchange pressies with on Christmas Day, having nobody special to kiss as the clock strikes twelve midnight for the New Year. The festive season sucks big time when you are single, at least for me anyway. Sure I have my family and friends but it's winter and I just want somebody who can keep me warm during the freezing weather (no, a scarf and pair of gloves are not quite the same), somebody I can walk hand in hand with through the pretty, magical and oh so fluffy snow. Damn you December, I was doing so well before you came along.

And you just know the loneliness bug has crept up and bitten you hard when you start developing a crush on the least likely of candidates, somebody who you wouldn't even glance twice at if they were to pass you by on the street. The person in question here is some dude at work who is happily married, I presume, with like a dozen kids. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homewrecker or cheap hussy, I am not about to act upon this. Like ever. I do have some morals you know. Oh and an ounce of self-control. It's just weird, here's this guy who is like miles older than me, is not conventionally good-looking, who I actually previously even mildly disliked, and now all of a sudden I find myself strangely drawn to him. Symptoms of loneliness? It has to be.

And it's not like he's a newbie, he's pretty much part of the furniture now. It's not like he's somebody I work closely with either, I barely see him, we don't run in the same circles and have absolutely nothing in common, we don't talk, we don't acknowledge each other, so it makes no sense really. He's not even remotely nice, he is attitude and arrogance personified, the exact opposite of who I would choose to date, the kind of man I would completely steer clear of yet here I am, struggling to keep him out of my fantasies, my eyes eagerly seek him out at work, my mind goes into over-drive thinking about him, I desperately act all nonchalant when I bump into him, praying that my flustered self doesn't betray me. And to be honest, I do actually find this unusual crush rather embarrassing, ridiculous, and nothing short of positively absurd, I would be absolutely mortified if it were to ever find its way out in the open.

But yes, there is something incredibly sexy about him, he's got a little swagger going on, he's also all man, not so much in his physical appearance but in his manner and conduct, his walk, yes, he's definitely got that swagger thing going on. And yes, I do feel an insane amount of guilt for fancying a married man but like I said, and I repeat, it's not like it's going to go any further than that, it is a lust confined within the walls of my mind, which shall never find a moment to wander from within its restriction, it is well aware of its limits and what is out of bounds. Hey, it's okay to look, as long you don't touch right? Besides, my fantasies are my own, I am entitled to them so please don't tut and condemn me to hell. My fantasies are in which there are no boundaries and no rules, my fantasies have no law or code of conduct. And I am well aware that reality never matches up to the fantasy so don't worry, I am not verging on entering dangerous territory. It's not my fault, blame loneliness. That and the serious lack of talent within my workplace. Loneliness makes you lose your sanity, it makes you loopy, loneliness is beguiling, it is almost like a practical joke, loneliness is virtually a mental illness really.

So whilst loneliness envelops me like a blanket at night, and I hug my pillow tight, wallowing in self-pity, remember, when loneliness calls, don't answer.

Doctor's Diagnosis: 'Cold Feet'.

"You dress like my gran" - the immortal, and now legendary, insult that broke off an engagement, and inspired me to write this post. And yes, I did try to stifle a chuckle.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't the sole reason a friend decided to call it quits on her pending nuptials but in my head it is - it has way more of an edge to it than the usual oh-so-ordinary reasons for the demise of a relationship. Fair enough, I can understand that it's no fun having your dress sense compared to the five layers of knitted beige and mustard coloured drab that the older generation parade around in, unashamedly trying to palm off as clothing, but surely such a bold statement warrants full explanation?

My objective and impartial viewpoint summarises that the guy in question has always been flaky and unreliable, indecisive and confused if I am being nice and want to put a more positive spin on it all. They had skirted around the whole marriage idea a while ago until he freaked out and called time on their relationship. After many moments of clarity, he came crawling back, and confessed that things had in fact been moving far too fast for his liking to which she reassured him that they were by no means going to get married straight away. And then set the date for six months down the line! Poor bloke! So it seems like he has adopted the tried and tested 'be horrible to her so she dumps you' from the wimp's guide on how to give her the elbow.

Right about now, agony aunts worldwide would be strongly suggesting communication. It's obvious that men and women speak different languages so communication is guaranteed to be a tad tricky but couples that don't even attempt to persevere, surely they should not even be considering such a life-long commitment. I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, the institution is perhaps more ideal in theory than practice but that's probably as it's taken so lightly nowadays - divorce appears to be the quick and easy get out clause. I am not saying that this is always the case but there does seem to be a growing trend. It just baffles me how this friend and her fiancé were completely ready and willing to spend the rest of their lives with each other, everything was set in motion, yet a slight argument was more than enough to destroy all that they had previously shared, felt, imagined and dreamed. It's just not possible within the parameters of true love. Or maybe I am just being rather naive. Maybe love isn't real, it is just an illusion or an ideology.

And if it is pre-wedding jitters having evolved into a fully blown case of cold feet then I don't know, I understand many people do suffer from a bout of nerves but if you are unsure and uncertain enough to call the whole thing off then that says it all really doesn't it? Okay, maybe I don't deserve to comment on the matter, having never been engaged or married, or even remotely close to either but never, never ever in a relationship have I been quick to throw in the towel, and that's probably why I don't understand those that do. I know that marriage is a scary-ass step, the idea of spending the rest of however long you have left with this one person until death eventually decides to give you a break. Life is about variety and options, and to some marriage denies this - if you don't eat the same food everyday, and you don't wear the same clothes everyday, can you, ahem, do the same person everyday? To some marriage is just the next step, to a few it's a simple arrangement, and to others nothing less than a life sentence. So where exactly does love come into the equation, if at all?

Oh and if anybody should ever liken my attire to that of their grandma's then I shall assume that the lady is indeed a very trendy fashionista.