Animal magic

I've had quite a bit of an animal fest recently, what with visits to both the London Zoo and the London Sealife Aquarium, which by the way is pretty much like a zoo for fishes.

Yes, I'm really a big kid at heart. I find there's something magical about zoos, it's like stepping into another world, it's not quite Narnia or Neverland or the Land of Oz but it's still pretty neat. Almost exotic. I don't care too much for zebras, giraffes, gorillas and the like, for me it's all about the cuties - penguins, koala bears, lemurs and squirrel monkeys. They are so adorable and fascinating to watch. And no, this doesn't make me a perpetrator of crimes against animals.

Many people believe zoos enforce animal cruelty. C'mon guys, it's no circus. Animals at zoos are not expected to perform, in fact for the most part they just lie around sleeping which does make me think that perhaps they are bored partly because they are enclosed. Or maybe it's just their lavish lifestyle that has accustomed them to this level of laziness. Yes, they are under the microscope so to speak, with curious eyes peering at them and chubby kiddie fingers trying to poke about at them but surely it's as entertaining for them as it is for us? We get to watch animals, they get to watch humans, it's a fair deal really. And just how different is their lifestyle from that of a celebrity who is constantly under the glare and scrutiny of a camera lens? In that retrospective, they are quite similar to these entertainers, but with significantly less of the entertaining and obviously minus the A-list lifestyle. Almost each day they get to be the centre of attention, which many of the egotistical and self-indulgent animals probably thrive on, it's rather like having their own television show. Next they will be dishing out autographs.

Fair enough, they deserve to be out in the wild because that's their natural habitat and all that malarkey but truthfully we all know that they are well fed and cared for at zoos. Spoilt one may even say. They are also protected here, not under threat from other animals who would normally target them outside the security of such a safety net. I know plenty that are firmly anti-zoo would suggest they place me in a cage and see how I feel, and to be honest go for it, I think I would ironically find it rather liberating. I could quite easily do away with my job. I would happily sit in an enclosure with my fellow like-minded creatures, it would be a playground of some sort, and I would be a three-year old again, scrambling around with the others in this mini adventure land, and hey, if you human folk are lucky, I might even flash you a smile.

Animals, in my opinion, have it real easy. Well, the ones in zoos anyway. Ultimately their daily activities quite literally are eating and sleeping. Where's the difficulty in that? Or cruelty for that matter? They are sheltered from the money-driven society we struggle within. For they say 'money is the root of all evil', their world is then the purest. It would be interesting, very Caveman-like, to live in a world where coins and notes did not exist or govern. A much more simple existence with no hint of materialism whatsoever.

I would willingly swap my life with, say, a penguin, a brand spanking new life where emotions are not heavily at play, love is meaningless, relationships are pants, how much heartbreak would you save yourself from? And no having to primp and prune yourself, endless hours in front of the mirror grooming your hair or camouflaging a pimple, no more 'fat days', how great would it be to live in a world where appearance did not matter at all, a world that wasn't so shallow and superficial? I know Mr Darwin believes we evolved from apes, unfortunately I really wish we hadn't evolved at all, I feel we have had nothing to gain from it but hardship and pain, 'ignorance is bliss' after all, and I would rather be that ignorant ape with his straighforward lifestyle, devoid of stress, anxiety and other headaches that plague the average human. It's not a competitve world that the ape belongs to, he can leisurely go about his business, there is no such thing as time because there is no such thing as money. It's like being an infant again, when we were free of these adult-related troubles, and each day consisted of eating, playing and sleeping. Oh to be an infant again. Better still, oh to be an ape again!

So basically what I am trying to say is that I have no sympathy for animals fortunate enough to have made zoos their home, I am quite envious of them actually so there. Those that cry cruelty have obviously not actually sat down and thoroughly thought about the entire situation, if they had, they would have reached the same conclusion I have - animals, those lucky sods. It is those that don't have the pleasure of such an accommodation that I truly feel sorry for, the ones who have to live by the 'survival of the fittest' rule, the ones who find themselves a victim in predator-prey relationships, the ones who have no idea whether they will get a meal tonight or will become a meal tonight.

And for those whom it may concern: I am a vegetarian. Just so you know.

Dream invasion

A post inspired by 'Inception', you know, the movie that has been making all the buzz recently, creating major ripples on all sides of the pond.

First and foremost, a quick word on the film. It is a Leonardo DiCaprio starrer, and that friends, is a huge selling point for me, it is enough to have me absolutely convinced from the word go. The guy has an incredible talent for sniffing out good projects, he has made wise career choices, I have yet to watch a Leonardo DiCaprio movie that borders on being atrocious or an utter bore. Okay, so I have been rather smart in avoiding duds like 'The Man in the Iron Mask' but fact remains that I have thoroughly enjoyed watching his flicks, and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him. I rate him as an artist, he is a brilliant actor, and I know my humble opinion makes no difference whatsoever at all to the man himself but it is still very much a valid one. I am also, movie by movie, slowly finding myself strangely attracted to him. He used to be pretty in a really girlie way, now he's just pretty rough - he's slightly pudgy, his body is neither toned nor muscular but verging more towards flabby, and his straggly facial hair style is just plain revolting. It's fair to say age has caught up with our Leo - can I call him that, just Leo? Despite all this, I am beginning to find him real sexy, and it has me questioning my sanity. Physically he just doesn't do it for me. Like at all. I am not a huge fan of blond hair and blue eyes, I am all about dark features, especially a set of beautiful brown puppy-dog eyes. However there is just something about him, I find his talent immensely sexy but it's his silent, brooding demeanor, his mean and moody act that has got me hooked, I just want to uncover him, and I seriously didn't mean for that to come across as sexual. Yes, I know, enough already!

'Inception' does offer plenty proper eye-candy though - Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Tom Hardy. I remember seeing Gordon-Levitt quite recently in '500 Days of Summer' and I was like wow, he's grown up! 'Inception' just reiterates this for me. The guy is lush, a major cutie, and I hope this movie brings him the recognition he truly deserves - some even say that he steals the show here with his performance. I had a Gordon-Levitt appreciation day on Facebook the other day as I feel nobody cherishes him enough. I won't get into the particulars but I was just generally showing the guy a lot of love - interpret however you choose to. Anyway, back to the masterpiece, all I have to say is that Christopher Nolan took an idea and ran with it. Very far indeed. Yes, he overcomplicated it and created mass confusion but then I suppose that right there is a clever ploy - if he hadn't done so then there wouldn't have been so many questions and discussions, so many revisits to the cinema, and just generally so much hype. Seems like everybody has an opinion or theory on 'Inception' - mission accomplished Nolan, a big pat on the back for you sir. All I shall advise is that you watch it intensely focused, no allowing your mind to drift off and definitely no loo breaks, do so and you will be completely lost. The plot demands extreme concentration on your part. Even then you will walk out slightly baffled and quite eager to rush home in order to 'google' an analysis or explanation.

I love intelligent cinema - movies that are thought-provoking with their original, strong concept. And yes, I understand that they are fictional but the paranoid, over-analysing person within me ponders whether this is actually the case, or whether there is a huge conspiracy at play instead. And so 'Inception' has me wondering if there are indeed people out there trained to invade dreams. What a cool job that would be. Very MI5. Imagine having the ability to float into dreams and influence the victim's subconscious, that there is a superpower in itself, on the same realm as invisibility, shapeshifting and telepathy. Invading dreams, it's pretty much just technical, sophisticated witchcraft isn't it?

Can you fathom all that you could manipulate to your advantage - you can haunt the dreams of people you despise, you can stalk the dreams of the ones you fancy, you can brainwash the dreams of potential employers - the possibilities are endless. Dream hypnotism sounds like a life lottery to me.

A dream is like our very own mini motion picture where we are the leading actor, people who flit about our everyday lives become guest features, with daily events and thoughts forming the basis of the main plot. But what about those strangers that make an appearance from time to time? Do they really exist somewhere out there or have they just been concocted by our imagination? Or maybe they are a version of Dom Cobb and his team of experts who have secretly climbed into our subconscious? How much of a dream is really just the mind creating some form of entertainment? We have all woken from a vivid dream convinced that it had to be genuine and authentic, maybe the feelings that transpired had been too strong and honest to be dismissed as false but we never stop to think that perhaps it is a reality that has been carefully constructed. Okay, so it's rather far-fetched, and I must admit that there is probably no real reason to engineer such an elaborate hoax on the average being but what about individuals in positions of great power, you know, individuals who are ultimately capable of decisions that impact such a wide audience, can these decisions be controlled via a dream? The targets, one pressumes, would probably be dominant, prevailing figures in the world of politics and business. It's one way to beat your rival into submission. That or hire a hitman.

If you break down the idea of dream invasion you can come around to the understanding that perhaps it is not so absurd and way out there as you initially thought. A lot of people think it's a load of mumbo-jumbo but there are also many firm believers of therapies such as hypnosis, brain-wave, subliminal and transgression. Are these all not just a form of mind control? And what about white and dark arts? Spells, curses and voodoo dolls? Again, the mass population is probably skeptical yet there are those who truly believe. All, once more, just another method of mind control. So why is then dream invasion an idea so easily dismissed? Does it not border on the same principles? Sure, it wouldn't be as extravagant and extensive as that of Nolan's but I still choose to believe it exists out there in a more simplistic form.

And on that note, as I try to stifle yet another yawn, I'm off to hit the sack and indulge myself with a few visionary delights - goodnight folks, sweet dreams, sleep tight. And remember, "you musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling".

Hair jewellery

Mission: to hunt the high street for pretty hair bling that will a) camouflage my hideous fringe and b) distract from the aforementioned.

Hair accessories at the minute seem to be all about bandos, bow alice bands and corsage type flower clips. Damn. I don't want decorative pieces to adorn my locks, I need purely practical ornaments that can help support my fringe through its challenging growing process.

Left: Triple wire pearl and crystal alice band - Monsoon Accessorize
So beautiful and delicate, bound to take the focus of the dodgy fringe. Slick fringey bits back, carefully place hair band on top and voilà - fringe? What fringe? Very princessy as well. I like.

Right: Triple crystal flower grips - Monsoon Accessorize
A more jazzier version of ordinary hair grips. Perfect for clasping shorter sections to the side.


Left: Crystal flower clip - Monsoon Accessorize
A simply splendid way to fasten annoying strands out of the way.

Below: Pearl and crystal flower hair clips - Claire's Accessories
Bear in mind that it's a shop designed especially for young girls so it is quite rare to find something that an adult woman can sport. Step away from the cheap and cheerful, and there are a few treasures to be discovered.




Below: Crystal hair grips - Claire's Accessories
Another fab find to garnish hair with.








Below: Black lace bando - Claire's Accessories
No, I haven't come over all 1920's flapper girl just yet, am going to improvise with this lace creation and utilise it as a headband to push the fringe back into obscurity.















Left: Ethnic bangle cluster - Next
It's for the wrist, not the hair, just in case you thought I would manage to somehow adapt it to my hair in some weirdly, unique fashion. People are more than welcome to step forward and demonstrate if they possess such an exceptional ability but I choose to accept bangles as they were primarily intended - it's not Vaseline you know! Anyway, I couldn't resist this exquisite mix, it's rather Bohemian and is certain to add an earthy, organic tone to any outfit.



Right: Scoop neck puffball dress - Krisp
I like the dress but I must admit that it's a tricky one to carry off. Pear shapes should probably steer well clear - a white and puffy bottom half is like garlic to a vampire for gals with well-endowed hips and a juicy butt. It, however, is probably ideal for athletic and straight, rectangular body types who seek to create curves. The puffball skirt is rather fussy, you do need to play with it quite a bit in order to settle it down in place but overall it's an individual take on the whole monochrome style. A sexy party dress with a Grecian feel that looks dazzling with silver accessories for an absolutely glitzy look.

And that pretty much sums up my non-event of a shopping trip. Dissapointing and then some. Why is it that you spot so many delicious items online but they fail to exist when you pop into the actual store? Are they just a manufacturing hoax? Hopefully my next shopping adventure will be wildly successful with many delectable gems detected and captured.

Fringe benefits

The quickest and easiest way to seek change is probably through your hair. It's amazing how you can be completely transformed simply through the act of altering it in some shape or form. Not always for the better though as I regrettably found out yesterday.

So every now and then I am possessed with the idea of tweaking my hair, I never follow these ideas through because I do actually love my hair as it is - I love the length and I love colour. My hair is long and dark, and I am not afraid to say, silky and glossy. It's what I get the most compliments from in life so naturally there is no valid reason to change something that is probably at its crowning best. Now I have a somewhat phobia of hairdressers, I have not, prior to yesterday, visited a hair salon for over a couple of decades. Honest. Hairdressers just have a knack for always getting it wrong, and my hair is my fortune so the possibility that it may be butchered by somebody too enthusiastic with a pair of scissors is a risk too high for me to gamble with. Sorry, I don't mean to incriminate or condescend hairdressers all across the land, I'm sure there are some that are efficiently skilled and talented at their art, but these are few and far between.

My hair, therefore, is maintained by myself, the only person I can really trust with it, and its routine is fairly simple - shampoo, condition and straighten, hair is to be dyed black if it begins to appear rather dull, and if the feathered bits that frame my face start to look too frayed or long then they are to simply be trimmed a little shorter. Nothing too technical for my unqualified self. And it works well as it's a ritual that has been perfected over the years. Anyway, so occasionally I am inundated with thoughts that make me question my hairstyle and attempt to persuade me to
explore hair variety. I have considered having my hair coloured lighter,
sort of like a caramel or honey tone, something like the images just above, it's such a pretty shade but I know it would mean endless hours at the hairdressers, and a hell of a lot of cash, plus my hair grows quite quickly so roots would become visible within a matter of moments, too much effort to conserve and cultivate for somebody impatient and lazy like moi.

I would never play with the length of my hair which kind of restricts me from a lot of the options available. Wavy hair is something I quite like the sound of as well. In fact my hair has a natural wave to it anyway. A few years ago I went all out and purchased a curly hair diffuser, heated rollers and many hair products designed for waves and curls, but much to my disappointment the look that I longed for evaded me. DIY waves are impossible to create. This is all I want dammit, is it too much to ask for:












So for the last week the prospect of a fringe occurred to me. I don't know where exactly from but it just popped into my head, and I couldn't rest until this prospect was executed. A flirty fringe seemed ideal, it's not dramatic enough to radically change my current hairstyle but is prominent enough to jazz it up a little. I browsed the net for fringes that would suit me, fringes that I quite fancied, and I managed to settle upon something quite soft, long and full, maybe even slightly sweeping, like so:

Armed with these images in my head, I ventured into Emma Claire where I tried to explain just exactly what I had in mind, the hairdresser appeared to acknowledge my description but the results that stared back at me from the mirror vastly differed from those that had been infiltrated in my brain. She had quite literally massacred my hair. I kept my head down the entire journey home, and could feel pedestrians staring and laughing at the disastrous excuse for a fringe that sat boldly on my forehead.

I am not even exagerrating, it is absolutely awful, just horrendous, it's of the Lady Gaga mould, not soft and feminine like I had hoped but just hacked at, crooked and pouffy, it reminds me of Monica's Dudley Moore casualty. So what can I do now besides cry, hibernate for all of summer and walk around with a brown paper bag over my head? Absolutely zilch. How exactly do you disguise or conceal something that is so central to your face and hair, something that is painstakingly verging on near enough impossible to grow out? My hair is my shield, what do I have to hide behind now? Looks like hair grips will be my trusty sidekick from here on.

So the moral of the story is that hairdressers are the sum of all evil, satan himself in fact. Now I know why they say 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

Old Skool Gems

They don't make them like they used to. And yes, I know, it makes me sound like a disgruntled OAP at the bus stop but it's true. It's all 'High School Musical' and 'Hannah bloody Montana' these days, all about who's most popular and who's rocking the shiniest pearly whites. Nothing at all like the programmes I was blessed with as a child, programmes which were innocent at heart and had a cute message to convey. I write this, not because I'm an alarmed and upset parent who is easily offended by practically everything, I am not a parent at all actually, in the sense that I presently have no children, I stress the word 'presently' as I am not anti-children and hope that they will come along when the occasion demands it, yes, my biological clock has quite possibly starting ticking, loudly, yet not loud enough be heard over screaming, tantrumy kids but it takes two to procreate, well through natural means anyway so I shall wait until he appears first because the idea of going it alone has never really appealed to me nor has ever honestly crossed my mind.

This post originated roughly after the time I was found to be commemorating 'Care bears' on Facebook. How, one might ask? Oh by spreading the 'Care Bears' love. Makes me sound rather like a somewhat 'Care Bears' Angel, you know, like their own personal, loyal and dedicated messenger and all that but not one to lie or glorify, all I was really doing was randomly posting a picture of 'Care Bears' on the walls of others. Why, one might ask? Ah, a that question indicates that one does not know me well enough at all - you ask like I'm going to provide a sensible answer, c'mon dude, like there's ever any logic or reason behind anything I say or do.

'Care Bears', for those that are unfamiliar all I got to say is that the title itself is pretty self-explanatory, nothing too complicated at play here, they are bears that er, care! They live amongst clouds and rainbows, and their sole purpose in life is to care - that is to bring about comfort and happiness to those that are found to be distressed. Doesn't it already just give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside? 'Care Bears' have a symbol on their belly which represents their character, a bit like the seven dwarfs, except they didn't have symbols on their tummies but what I mean is that they are similar in the sense that each is assigned a specific personality so each bear is therefore efficiently adapted for each situation. Apart from Grumpy Bear whom I didn't like very much, I felt he let the side down, and I know it's rather mean but he could well have been easily or accidentally omitted. Each episode these soft, cuddly bears would look down from the sky above and spot a troubled human, and make it their duty to unconditionally resolve the predicament that the individual was plagued with, and of course there would naturally be villains along the way to hinder the bears from achieving their mission. Simple formula really. And a simple message of love, good cheer and humanity. I remember the 'Care Bears' sticker album I had as a child, probably the only thing I have collected my whole lifetime, well, besides shoes and shotglasses. And the 'Care Bears' storybook that I read religiously, never once growing tired of it, always fresh and new. Ah, *sighs* memories.

♫ Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? ♫ 'Sesame Street' was legendary. Puppets, music and educational material, what more seriously could a child desire? Or even an adult for that matter. 'Sesame Street' was genius. Every midday after nursery I would plonk myself in front of this utter brilliance whilst hungrily wolfing down my fish fingers, potato waffles, chicken nuggets and beans. And the characters were just fabulous - the cute, adorable Elmo who went on to become an A-list celeb, he has been missing from the circuit for a while now which makes me fear that perhaps fame went to his head, maybe there were a few kiss-and-tells, and that he is quite possibly currently booked into rehab for some terrible drug and alcohol addiction; roommates Bert and Ernie whom I hope have now stopped suppressing their feelings, have given in to the sexual tension and are residing as homosexual lovers in some remote country cottage; Cookie Monster and his mad obsession for the biscuity snack, I hope he has found solace as some sort of cookie baron on some cookie inspired island; and let's not forget Oscar the Grouch who lived in a trash can, no programme is complete without the token grumpy guy, I like to believe Oscar returned to Grouchland post 'Sesame Street', it's where his heart truly belonged. As I have grown from a preschooler to just two years short of the flirty thirties, I have noticed that the puppets I had plenty of lunch dates with have grown up too, many of them made guest-appearances on the funniest show ever, even funnier than 'Friends', that's 'Scrubs' by the way folks, not too long ago and it was a reunion of some form, the faces were familiar but their innocence no longer remained. 'The Muppet Show' was another of my favourites, I include it here as it was similar to 'Sesame Street' to the extent where the puppeteers were shared, flitting between both programmes. And Kermit the Frog, the central character of 'The Muppet Show' was also a regular in 'Sesame Street'. It always confused me as a child, like how there were two identical Kermits in two different shows. Oh and 'The Muppet Show' also showered us with the immortal cuss that is 'Miss Piggy'.

'Scooby-Doo' which thankfully later morphed into 'Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo' was probably where my vast interest in the paranormal and horror movies stemmed from. It revolved around a bunch of five characters who tried to resolve mysteries, mysteries cleverly manipulated by the villain of that episode - there was never anything remotely spooky in nature involved, it was just a smoke-screen created by the deceiver. I never really cared much for Scooby-Doo or Shaggy, their cowardly characters never appealed to me, and the latter had an tramp-like element to him, he was in dire need of a makeover. It was cute yet fiery Scrappy-Doo that I adored, such personality, such bravery. And the lovely 'I would've got away with it if it wasn't for you pesky kids' declaration from the villain upon being exposed. I should mention 'The Real Ghostbusters' here too, as it follows the paranormal theme, and has a similar setup to 'Scooby-Doo' in that it features a team of ghost investigators/exterminators.

Captain Planet of 'Captain Planet and the Planeteers' fame was, is, and shall always be my favourite superhero. Superman doesn't hold a torch to him. It's fair to say that yes, I do have a bit of a crush on the mighty guy. Captain Planet, in my eyes, is most probably the pinnacle of the ideal man - have you seen his physique?! It doesn't just stop there though my friends, for Captain Planet is all about the planet - such a sensitive soul, so considerate and caring. 'Captain Planet and the Planeteers' educated its viewers on the environment, with each episode dealing with an environmental related disaster be it pollution or toxic waste. The Planeteers were five peeps each gifted with an elemental ring - earth, fire, wind, water, and heart - yes, I know it sounds weird but bear with me please! Power from the five rings combined would summon my dream hunk, that was pretty much the general idea. There were, as expected, villains along the way that the Planeteers had to overcome in order to save the environment, villains who represented various ecological disasters. Okay, so it may come across as a lame-ass superhero show to you but watch it and you'll be hooked. I recently even signed an online petition to bring back Captain Planet, and I urge you to do the same, in a world forever hounded with natural disasters we need an underrated green-blue combination of a figure. And it helps that he's easy on the eye. Very much so. *drools*.

'ThunderCats', not to be mistakened with 'Thunderbirds' which my mother did one rainy occassion, which in turn led to a catastrophe of enormous proportions, something that is etched permanently in my memory, and must stay only there, it must never find release - 'ThunderCats', another childhood favourite, even though I must confess that I hardly remember much of it in terms of plot and such. I vaguely recall a bunch of cat-like creatures, and something about a magical sword, it was a bit 'He-Man'-esque really. Oh and loads of scary looking mutant monster things. And Mumm-Ra, the arch nemesis and decayed Egyptian mummy who was gifted in dark arts and was completely indestructible. 'Thundercats' was all about action sequences, lots of flying through the air fighting fun, all that was required to keep a youngster entertained really.

'Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles', who later evolved into 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles', no idea how or why, were four crime-fighting er, turtles who were aided in their purpose by Splinter, the master or brains behind the entire operation, and April who was not of the mutated animal variety in that she was completely human, and the crush of many young boys no doubt. There was something about Splinter that I just didn't like, maybe it was the whole giant rat-like aspect but he made me very uneasy, and I would watch each episode eagerly waiting for him to somehow be exposed as the baddie, which never happened. I thought it was trickery perhaps, that he had taken the turtles under his wing as a means of deception to destroy them, that this would be unmasked any day soon but alas, to my disappointment it was Shredder that remained the main enemy. I still to this day believe my theory on Splinter. It's just a matter of time before it's unearthed. You'll see.

'Rude Dog and the Dweebs' was a ghetto cartoon. I loved the little yellow dweeb, he was so sweet! Rude Dog himself was a bit of a gangster, and the dweebs were a bunch of awkward-looking dogs whom he had somewhat adopted, they were rather intelligently challenged, often tricked by Seymour the alleycat until Rude Dog came along with his street-savvy knowledge to save the day. Bless them, the gullible wimps. There were also some dog-catchers thrown in for good measure, out to capture the dweebs, not always cleverly evaded however Rude Dog was always on hand to rescue them. He had a good heart that one.

And that's a brief insight into the visual entertainment that graced my television set as a child. Wow, it's been great fun reliving these classics, and it makes me realise that kids in this day and age are deprived really - they truly don't make them like they used to.

Nautical but Nice

Having completely exploded all over the high street, the nautical style is without a doubt this summer's hottest trend. Now I've never been a huge fan of the whole sailor look, horizontal stripes and navy just don't appeal to me. I always look like a burglar, 'Denace the Menace' or just reeeeaaaally wide in horizontal stripes. As for navy, well I'm all about colour, my wardrobe is a rainbow of fabric and unfortunately navy doesn't quite register as colour in my vibrant world. Navy is, as far as I'm concerned, quite simply a more hip variant of black.

But something very strange happened to me on my last shopping excursion, I succumbed to the voodoo that is all things nautical, and in this spellbound mode I went spending crazy on sailor chic. And monochrome too for some absurd reason. Not an ounce of colour in sight, looks like I have been converted folks, I have walked on over to the dark side.

Left: Button front dress with striped top - Krisp
The true essence of nautical fashion. I team it with a white cropped cardigan, large white hoops, a navy and white striped bangle, and a huge red patent bag to enhance the look. It is also very French Riviera. Although I was rather gutted as literally two seconds after this purchase I popped into Jane Norman and they had the exact same dress but with a red and white striped top instead, and all of a sudden in comparison my new dress looked very much like a poor man's version. Still love it though.






Right: Buttoned dress with cross over back - Krisp
Monochrome made contemporary with fashionable buttons. I don't mean to divide buttons into classes here: those that are fashionable and those that are more fashionably challenged, what I mean to say is that buttons, they are everywhere at the moment, they are a staple embellishment it seems. This dress looks great accessorised with splashes of bright, bold colour.





Left: Contrast dress with lace rara skirt - Krisp
Much shorter than I had anticipated so there is plenty of thigh on display - not that I hear the fellas complaining. Strange that because I stand at a mere five feet so clothes are naturally longer on me, I dread to wonder how this dress would bode on a longer limbed lady. The dress itself is a flirty little number, ideal for clubbing. I just lurve the pretty black lace skirt, it's sexy!





Right: Military tab dress - Jane Norman
Bang on trend in terms of style and colour - just effortlessly stylish.












Left: Asymmetric stripe cut out dress - Jane Norman
I know, it's a baby pic but it's the only one I could find! Extreme figure-hugging at play here though. This dress accentuates every curve so is ideal for all hourglasses who want to flaunt their fabulous figure.



Right: Ruched tulip dress - Jane Norman
Have scoured the inter-web profusely but failed to find an image of this dress so you are going to have to make do with my very amateur photography. I do apologise. The dress doesn't look too flattering in the photo, I needed a mannequin or a model to emphasise it but unfortunately I had neither at hand. I assure you that the dress looks much better on - it's rather cleavagey, and the navy is quite slimming. I know tulip style dresses and skirts make hips look bigger but not to be deterred here, it definitely does not apply to this dress.





Left: Rose print lattice back top - Jane Norman
Nautical stripes and colours cleverly intertwined with a dominant rose print for those who only want a hint of this season's trend. It's long enough to be worn with leggings, or tuck into a navy tailored skirt instead for a stylish office day look. Oh and please dismiss the fact that it looks rather shapeless in the photo, the image is deceiving. The colour is also more intensive and brighter than as it comes across in the pic.



Right: Eyelet frill mini skirt - Jane Norman
A white vest top would complete this casual summer day look and compliment the khaki well - simple and not too fussy. Again, a very ickle image but it's all I could manage.

Left: Polka dot full skirt - Jane Norman
Has a very 1950s feel to it - a fun, flirty and feminine skirt indeed. Pair with a black top and either black and white accessories for a truly strict monchrome look, or with colourful accessories instead for a more lively, summer feel.






Right: Shirt dress - Freemans
Well, looks like I couldn't resist colour after all. This gorgeous print dress is electrifying, the photo doesn't actually do justice to the dress as it's way more vivid than it appears in the image - the shades of purple are more brighter and intense than they look here. This is what summer is all about.





Left: Laura Scott jersey dress - Freemans
A bold block of yellow down the centre and we all know that nothing screams summer quite like the colour yellow. A light, fresh and distinctive dress.




Right: Purple dress - Freemans
Such an amazingly beautiful shade of purple - much more vibrant than it looks in the photo. This dress is a tad floaty and has a somewhat prairie/gypsy feel to it. Very summery and exotic.










Left: Stud jewel sandals - Freemans
Naughty me, shoes, along with bags, are struck off my shopping list as I have so many, zillions in fact, and yet I rarely wear any of them, I actually have shoes that I have bought several years ago which are gathering dust, still patiently waiting to be worn, therefore I am officially not allowed to buy any more shoes but I managed to sneak this pair in. They are simply stunning, like a more glamorous version of those gladiator sandals. Plus they have a sexy punk-like aura about them, and they practically go with all of my new purchases above. Result!


And those, dear friends, are my lovely purchases. Do make sure you treat yourself to something monochrome and nautical this summer - the former is fashionable come rain or shine, and the latter seems to weave itself into the fashion spotlight every so often so it's probably safe to say that they are now indeed style essentials for your wardrobe, some may even go as far as saying that they are true timeless classics.

Scorching summer sun

Wow, it has been hot for the past few weeks, and I mean real HOT, not like the eighteen degrees high we usually have to make do with, nope, I'm talking sweltering heat of the mid-twenties to late-twenties, bikini-top and hotpants variety. It's highly strange because for the past two years our summer has quite literally been a week or two of relatively nice weather in April. Never are we actually blessed with such hot spells during June and July which makes me wonder whether there is something wrong with the Earth and its axis or its orbit around the Sun. Let's not forget that this is still Britain so there has obviously been the odd shower here and there, not to mention that I see rain forecast for practically all of next week *frowns*.

Pros

• No more six layers of clothing, and no more scarves and gloves, which consequently means no more having to waddle around stiffly like a penguin. Yippee! Also, no more of that winter red nose that could easily rival Rudolph's and put him right out of employment.

• I can now parade around in my skimpy wardrobe without people batting a disgusted eyelid or offering me their jacket in an attempt to cover me up. I don't believe in winter clothes you see, why waste good money on wool and cashmere when you can buy florals and prints instead? That there is pretty much my motto, along with 'it's better to be overdressed than underdressed'. Ninety-nine percent of my attire consists of dresses and skirts, all in a variety of styles and hues, all just bursting to be released into the world, desperate to be worn, adorned, modelled, to simply fulfil their one true purpose in life, and it is summer who grants my dresses and skirts their eager wish. Hurrah!

• Ditching the winter coat. Sure, this can be filed neatly under the first point but nope, I feel it deserves a whole damn bulletpoint of its own. I hate coats. They are bulky, and make you look massive. Especially if you are lacking in height, like myself. In which case you come across as rather short and dumpy. And why are coats always so shapeless? And so difficult to move around in? And I've noticed that they always look better on the hanger than on a person, and on models of course, and celebrities too but no, I don't believe coats were designed with mere mortals in mind. Drop the coat and drop half a stone - it's true!

• Shiny happy people. No, not the R.E.M track, I mean people being all smiley and upbeat-like, with a skip in their step, and permanent jazz hands. Birds, butterflies, rainbows and blue skies. Maybe there is something to that Seasonal Affective Disorder malarkey after all eh. And there I was thinking it was just an elaborate excuse to be grumpy during winter months.

• Beer gardens. An awesome way to spend lazy summer evenings, with a cold alcoholic beverage in one hand, and a smoke in the other. And the seats are actually dry this time of the year! Hey, it is not alcohol and cigarette specific either so non-drinkers and non-smokers are more than welcome to join in too with their apple and mango J2O, we don't discriminate you know!

• It gets dark much later which makes the day seem miles longer. More time for flirty magic summer fun.
  

Cons

• A melting face. Not that my face is made of chocolate or wax. And no, I'm not referring to that overdone cosmetic surgery look. What I mean is that heat equals makeup that refuses to stay put which in turn means that notorious smudgy, shiny face syndrome. Hmmmph. Oh and I wonder whether plastic surgery would actually begin to melt if exposed to too much direct sunlight?

• Having to shave your legs every single damn waking moment. There's no hiding behind black tights any longer. Damn. Which evidently means having to set the alarm ten minutes earlier to ensure smooth, fuzz-free pins, and I'll have you know that sleep deprived of those ten minutes makes all the difference. Oh and let's not forget those nasty, unsightly, pest-like razor bumps. Grrr.
  

• There is also no more hiding behind the trusty, comfortable winter coat. Lumps and bumps are fully on display now which means a battle between you and the scales. Boo for summer diets and exercise. The irony here, however is that summer also means temptation in the form of calorie-ladden ice-cream, and the fact that it is offically too hot to work out - government warning I swear, Mr Cameron himself said so. Hmmm, so how exactly is one then supposed to embark upon the ritualistic 'beach diet'? Somewhat of a 'Catch-22' situation here methinks.
  

• Sunlight exposes a multitude of sins. I don't mean theft and attempted murder here, I mean that it is harsher on blemishes and flaws. Every pore and pimple becomes magnified in the summer. Damn you sun!
  

• The lethargic state. Just thinking, excessive heat damages the central processing unit of electronics, in the same way I believe it frazzles the human control centre. I don't care if it's not exactly scientific or even true in any shape or form, it is nevertheless my excuse for the general slow-down that is induced by the great summer sun.

• Constant thirst. This is not sexual you filthy-minded people. I am talking about having to constantly down cold drinks which is not all that great for a small bladdered specimen like moi as it involves a rapid increase in loo visits - people must think I am either constipated or suffering from a bout of diarrhea, and troubled bowels are just not sexy.

Yes, in true British fashion, we moan when it's hot and we moan when it's cold!

I just wonder how those that live in either a warm or cold climate cope? I suppose what I mean to say is that I am truly grateful for seasons. Seasons are beautiful and provide such variety and contrast, not to mention relief. Is this morphing into some sort of cheesy Thanksgiving speech? Which by the way we should so have in this country, not the speech that is, the holiday. How fab would that be? Not just because it means one more day off work. Honest.

Please note: this post has been delayed by like a week *slaps wrists* I really should know better than to attempt something so time-sensitive. So all that rain I speak/spoke of, yes, that was pretty much all last week.

Doctor's Diagnosis: 'Cold Feet'.

"You dress like my gran" - the immortal, and now legendary, insult that broke off an engagement, and inspired me to write this post. And yes, I did try to stifle a chuckle.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't the sole reason a friend decided to call it quits on her pending nuptials but in my head it is - it has way more of an edge to it than the usual oh-so-ordinary reasons for the demise of a relationship. Fair enough, I can understand that it's no fun having your dress sense compared to the five layers of knitted beige and mustard coloured drab that the older generation parade around in, unashamedly trying to palm off as clothing, but surely such a bold statement warrants full explanation?

My objective and impartial viewpoint summarises that the guy in question has always been flaky and unreliable, indecisive and confused if I am being nice and want to put a more positive spin on it all. They had skirted around the whole marriage idea a while ago until he freaked out and called time on their relationship. After many moments of clarity, he came crawling back, and confessed that things had in fact been moving far too fast for his liking to which she reassured him that they were by no means going to get married straight away. And then set the date for six months down the line! Poor bloke! So it seems like he has adopted the tried and tested 'be horrible to her so she dumps you' from the wimp's guide on how to give her the elbow.

Right about now, agony aunts worldwide would be strongly suggesting communication. It's obvious that men and women speak different languages so communication is guaranteed to be a tad tricky but couples that don't even attempt to persevere, surely they should not even be considering such a life-long commitment. I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, the institution is perhaps more ideal in theory than practice but that's probably as it's taken so lightly nowadays - divorce appears to be the quick and easy get out clause. I am not saying that this is always the case but there does seem to be a growing trend. It just baffles me how this friend and her fiancé were completely ready and willing to spend the rest of their lives with each other, everything was set in motion, yet a slight argument was more than enough to destroy all that they had previously shared, felt, imagined and dreamed. It's just not possible within the parameters of true love. Or maybe I am just being rather naive. Maybe love isn't real, it is just an illusion or an ideology.

And if it is pre-wedding jitters having evolved into a fully blown case of cold feet then I don't know, I understand many people do suffer from a bout of nerves but if you are unsure and uncertain enough to call the whole thing off then that says it all really doesn't it? Okay, maybe I don't deserve to comment on the matter, having never been engaged or married, or even remotely close to either but never, never ever in a relationship have I been quick to throw in the towel, and that's probably why I don't understand those that do. I know that marriage is a scary-ass step, the idea of spending the rest of however long you have left with this one person until death eventually decides to give you a break. Life is about variety and options, and to some marriage denies this - if you don't eat the same food everyday, and you don't wear the same clothes everyday, can you, ahem, do the same person everyday? To some marriage is just the next step, to a few it's a simple arrangement, and to others nothing less than a life sentence. So where exactly does love come into the equation, if at all?

Oh and if anybody should ever liken my attire to that of their grandma's then I shall assume that the lady is indeed a very trendy fashionista.