When loneliness calls

We are well and truly into December, and there is something about this month that makes you feel ever so lonely if you are single. Even more so than being single on Valentine's Day. It's disheartening having nobody special to exchange pressies with on Christmas Day, having nobody special to kiss as the clock strikes twelve midnight for the New Year. The festive season sucks big time when you are single, at least for me anyway. Sure I have my family and friends but it's winter and I just want somebody who can keep me warm during the freezing weather (no, a scarf and pair of gloves are not quite the same), somebody I can walk hand in hand with through the pretty, magical and oh so fluffy snow. Damn you December, I was doing so well before you came along.

And you just know the loneliness bug has crept up and bitten you hard when you start developing a crush on the least likely of candidates, somebody who you wouldn't even glance twice at if they were to pass you by on the street. The person in question here is some dude at work who is happily married, I presume, with like a dozen kids. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homewrecker or cheap hussy, I am not about to act upon this. Like ever. I do have some morals you know. Oh and an ounce of self-control. It's just weird, here's this guy who is like miles older than me, is not conventionally good-looking, who I actually previously even mildly disliked, and now all of a sudden I find myself strangely drawn to him. Symptoms of loneliness? It has to be.

And it's not like he's a newbie, he's pretty much part of the furniture now. It's not like he's somebody I work closely with either, I barely see him, we don't run in the same circles and have absolutely nothing in common, we don't talk, we don't acknowledge each other, so it makes no sense really. He's not even remotely nice, he is attitude and arrogance personified, the exact opposite of who I would choose to date, the kind of man I would completely steer clear of yet here I am, struggling to keep him out of my fantasies, my eyes eagerly seek him out at work, my mind goes into over-drive thinking about him, I desperately act all nonchalant when I bump into him, praying that my flustered self doesn't betray me. And to be honest, I do actually find this unusual crush rather embarrassing, ridiculous, and nothing short of positively absurd, I would be absolutely mortified if it were to ever find its way out in the open.

But yes, there is something incredibly sexy about him, he's got a little swagger going on, he's also all man, not so much in his physical appearance but in his manner and conduct, his walk, yes, he's definitely got that swagger thing going on. And yes, I do feel an insane amount of guilt for fancying a married man but like I said, and I repeat, it's not like it's going to go any further than that, it is a lust confined within the walls of my mind, which shall never find a moment to wander from within its restriction, it is well aware of its limits and what is out of bounds. Hey, it's okay to look, as long you don't touch right? Besides, my fantasies are my own, I am entitled to them so please don't tut and condemn me to hell. My fantasies are in which there are no boundaries and no rules, my fantasies have no law or code of conduct. And I am well aware that reality never matches up to the fantasy so don't worry, I am not verging on entering dangerous territory. It's not my fault, blame loneliness. That and the serious lack of talent within my workplace. Loneliness makes you lose your sanity, it makes you loopy, loneliness is beguiling, it is almost like a practical joke, loneliness is virtually a mental illness really.

So whilst loneliness envelops me like a blanket at night, and I hug my pillow tight, wallowing in self-pity, remember, when loneliness calls, don't answer.

Confessions of a Killer Part 2

Forgive me for I have become quite like a dog with a bone in relation to this whole O.J. uncovering the truth malarkey. That and I just realised that I compared myself to a dog. Anyway, I don't mean to sound all strict and bossy but you must, must, must skim through Part 1 first otherwise the contents of this post will have you all confuzzled and 'what the hell?', and you will neither understand nor appreciate fully my very recent O.J. infatutation, but if you do scan through Part 1 like I am furiously advising you to, well, then all shall become clear, and the world will be a better place. Okay, the last bit is a lie but still, rebel at your own peril, in fact I dare you to, go on.

So to continue...

O.J.'s biased account had whet my appetite but not fully satisfied it. Then I landed on 'How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder', written by some dude called Mike Gilbert, O.J.'s "sports agent, business advisor, and trusted confidant". Hmmm, not sure he grasped the the last bit well though, what with his revealing story and everything, I bet O.J. would agree with me there too. Yes I know practically everybody has cashed in on the O.J. saga by publishing a book of some sort at some point, even like the old man who lives down the bottom of my road, and my next-door neighbour's goldfish but I felt this Gilbert character might have something more substantial to reveal and so I got sucked into his tale. Please note, I am not at all knocking the goldfish, in fact a goldfish penning a book - that there is pure talent - somebody get the goldfish an agent already.

Gilbert's exposé more or less begins where O.J.'s left off which is pretty convenient and handy for me really, it's like some sort of a sequel. We get a close look at the ever fascinating trial from the eyes of a man at the heart of it. He views the book as a means through which to "atone for his sins", a way in which to repent for all the deceit he found himself embroiled in which heavily included "creating smokescreens". It is also an apology to both Nicole, Goldman and their respective families, not only for aiding O.J. "get away with murder" but also for failing to defend Nicole during all the physical abuse, for turning a blind eye, and for not once intervening.

Gilbert insists that before 'that night' they had all been "people you might have liked", that they "weren't evil, stupid or crazy", refusing to judge O.J. by what he believes was "the worst day of his life" but being utterly ashamed of the man he became after it. O.J. had been Gilbert's childhood hero and idol you see so the downward spiral he embarked upon after the trial naturally left Gilbert thoroughly disappointed and quickly losing respect for "the god of flight" who was thought to have been "larger than life, bigger than celebrity" prior to the altercation.

Not once does Gilbert paint O.J. as a monster, he is always depicted as "gracious, kind, warm, funny, and dignified", and although Gilbert maintains that Nicole suffered from physical abuse at the hands of her husband, he recalls moments where he was also "very warm, sympathetic, and empathetic" towards her, like the instance when his ex-wife phoned him because she was struggling to come to terms with the whole ageing process, apparently O.J. had been nothing but "sweet and kind", extremely reassuring and "encouraging", helping to boost her self-confidence and self-esteem. Gilbert also mentions Nicole's affair and insinuates that she wasn't all that saintly. However, ultimately nothing really excuses a man raising his hands, or fists even, to a woman. Gilbert agrees with much of what O.J. divulged about his ex-wife - that she was rather "angry and flustered". Nicole supposedly had issues with anybody who worked closely with O.J., treating them "dismissively and sometimes even with hostility", Gilbert recalls an occassion where she once even punched O.J.'s housekeeper just because her "mere presence" annoyed her - something O.J. also discussed in his memoirs. Although his account further corresponds with that of his former friend's when he admits that Nicole practically stalked O.J. after their separation, O.J. is contradicted when Gilbert asserts that prior to her death Nicole's attitude had changed, that she managed a complete u-turn and shunned O.J., choosing to party with her friend Faye rather than chase him like she used to - this is what apparently what angered O.J., the possibility that Nicole was finally over him and no longer needed him in her life. I guess here is strongly a case of 'it takes two', with both parties being guilty, with both displaying unreasonable behaviour, but with only one surpassing it significantly, and dangerously taking it a step or three too far.

The dynamics of O.J. and Nicole's relationship however are not majorly important here, this book boasts revelations, and revelations are what Gilbert is intent on providing, disclosing the deception and juicy antics that cultivated throughout the entire trial. The dirty tactics and level of deceit employed on O.J.'s behalf by his representatives are truly shocking at times, like insisting that O.J.'s blood was planted on the crime scene by Fuhrman, a 'racist' cop. Gilbert comes clean and confesses that Fuhrman was in fact "out of all the cops involved in the case... by far the best... was awake, alert - overall an excellent detective". And therefore sadly a huge threat to the defence team. Even O.J. himself confided that Fuhrman was a "damn good cop" and a "good witness". They set about finding a way to destroy his character, and luckily got hold of tapes where he had used racist language, using it to their advantage to present their case. Admittedly it was fair game, it's not like they had blackmailed him into spewing racist slurs but Fuhrman became entangled in controversy and was highly condemned as a result. They, it seems, had no qualms about destroying his reputation - 'all's fair in love and war' after all. The most outrageous secret that Gilbert reveals is the mystery of the shrinking glove - the suggestion that O.J. lay off his arthritis medicine for a while as this would cause his hands to swell, and in turn mean that that incriminating glove would fail to fit - this "iconic moment of the trial" was engineered by Gilbert himself and is the key to just how exactly he "helped O.J. get away with murder". They obviously weren't big on morality but then again we are talking about a man who violently slayed two people, I imagine morality probably was never a strong concern to begin with. Hey, don't get me wrong, I am not naïve, I understand that's the nature of the game, the defence crew have been hired to do a job, it's a courtroom not a church, righteousness won't pay the bills and put food on the table, all I am simply doing is relaying the events of the book as they stand.

Gilbert also mentions a somewhat confession from O.J. even though he maintained to all, including those closest to him, that he was intensely innocent - "I did go there that night, but I didn't take a knife... Nicole opened the door with a knife in her hand... if she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand, Mike, she'd still be alive". Chilling. Oh and by the way O.J., that's no real excuse. This version of events, you will find, differs to that of the one in 'If I Did It' where the knife was O.J.'s, not Nicole's. Either way he was confessing to the murders, so why would he lie about the owner of the knife? Does it really make a difference? Weird. Gilbert further believes that O.J. was "drugged-out" on Prozac during that time period, that leading up to the days before the murders he had been distinctly "vacant" and "incoherent" which is why he probably refused to accept his responsibility for the double homocide - "If O.J. had committed these murders while on Prozac, he would remember it like a dream, like something outside of himself, like something he saw from above, like an out-of-body experience. He would see it as something somebody else did, not him. It's there in some form in his mind, but not as true memory. It's called disassociative state". This theory vastly matches O.J.'s confused frame of mind in the hypothetical confession of 'If I Did It'. Does that mean he was indeed mentally fragile? Does that excuse his crime? Does that no longer make him a murderer?

What follows post trial is the death of celebrity, Gilbert narrates O.J.'s disgraceful downfall and financial ruin, as well his contempt for the dishonorable and degrading person his idol became as a result. It makes for a riveting read but is also quite sad at the same time, I even felt both sympathy and pity for O.J. at this point, I don't know why but it is quite upsetting reading about somebody losing all they have known - fame, fortune, friends. No, I haven't forgotten the cold-blooded murders, and yes, maybe I am just a soft touch. Desperate and off the rails, O.J. became a mere shadow of his former self. The trial was a Pyrrhic victory for him, a victory that came at such a great cost, something he continued paying for well and truly the rest of his life.

Gilbert is extremely self-deprecating which eventually begins to grate on you. He is continuously remorseful and apologetic that it becomes tiresome, it's like okay we get it Gilbert, you are sorry, enough about you now, more about O.J. please. Overall though the book is helpful in confirming various aspects of 'If I Did It', like Nicole's temperament and behaviour, although the motivation behind the crime still remains unclear with contrasting explanations from both Gilbert and O.J. - it's difficult to know which version to believe. I don't buy the whole 'guilty conscience urging him to put things straight' scenario though, maybe if he didn't keep mentioning it every other sentence it may have come across as more genuine but here it becomes a strong case of 'thou dost protest too much'. Gilbert is to be thanked for some of what he imparts upon us though, he has assisted me in assembling together a few more pieces of the puzzle.

Until next time, take care and keep it real folks. Much love. Mwah.