Vampires: bloody damn lucky or what?

Ties in aptly with Halloween actually. Plus the 'Twilight' flicks have made vampires mega popular and trendy again, you know, as opposed to being all creepy and bizarre.

I do sometimes wish I were a vampire, not because I'm keen on the taste of blood, I'd rather stick with Cherryade to be honest, and definitely not because I have an affinity for abruptly appearing in dimly lit alleyways in order to frighten unsuspecting strangers, although that could quite possibly be fairly entertaining, well, it easily beats bowling. No, I sometimes wish I were a vampire for the anti-ageing qualities they possess - the lucky sods. The supernatural powers would be a bonus really, and very much welcomed I'll have you know, I'm not about to turn away such gifts - after all, I'm no ungrateful little so and so, besides it's all part of the package right?

To be honest, I am pretty much halfway there without any support - I am not exactly enthusiastic about sunlight, or any light for that matter (very harsh on my constant migraines), my curtains are always drawn shut, and I have ceiling spotlights in my bedroom, a couple of which no longer emit any actual light - how's that eh? I generally exhibit many of the traits discussed here which is quite scary really. Plus I look fairly young for my earth years - I am meant to be twenty-eight but I easily fit into the eighteen to twenty-two age bracket.

As much as it pains me to admit, I am not actually a vampire or any kind of preternatural creature, even though my fantasies would strongly prefer me to be. However, I am kind of hoping that some immortal being out there will by chance read this and initiate me into their special club. Hey, I so totally have the whole silent, brooding, mysterious act perfected - not at all vying for a vampire-related invitation here! Anyway, let us step away from all this vampire nonsense for a moment, much of this pondering gave birth when I was washing my hair earlier - not a novelty, rare or momentous occassion by the way - and although, I have had them for years now, I am no longer in denial. I am talking about white hair here people, hair devoid of any colour. I figured I was genetically dispositioned to them earlier than most people, I probably got my first white strand in my late teens - can you believe that?! Now I have roughly ten which although is less than one percent of my total hair count is still ten too many, not to mention that we're now in double figures. Oh and for those who are wondering, I just yank them right out - I don't buy into that old wives' tale about two more growing back for each one that you pull, it's pants, whoever came up with that obviously had no idea about Science and melanin and all that jazz.

Anyway so there's nothing like white hair to make you feel old. It's not even like the first sign of ageing, it's like the definite sign of ageing. And although the man above decided to bless me with a youthful demeanor, he threw a spanner in the works by bestowing premature greying upon me - a very cruel trick indeed, in fact he is probably chuckling this very minute as I write this sentence. So now I can't even use the said youthful demeanor to my advantage because the greying hairs counteract it in every possible way. Not fair. Many people strongly believe you are as old as you feel, my mantra has always been 'you are as old as you look' which going by the poxy white discoveries on my head would make me like mid to late thirties. Hmmph.

Okay so maybe I am overreacting slightly but ageing scares me. Not death mind you, death I find liberating and natural, sort of like your ultimate goal in life, it's ageing that quite literally scares the pants off me. I really don't want to age, please don't make me - said in exasperation with eyes searching towards the sky whilst hands are joined together in a prayer-like stance. And this is why I need a vampire right about now.

Also, in more ageing news, I now have like a permanent forehead wrinkle or line or whatever it is you prefer to call the damn unsightly thing. The stupid crease even shows up through foundation, there's no disguising it, it's just eager to seep through to the surface and say hello. I figure it's my highly expressive nature at blame here, which means I need to tone down pulling faces and opt for a more wrinkle-free blank look, something I can't even maintain for like half of half a minute. Botox suddenly seems very appealing. Besides a teeny tiny bit never harmed anybody, right?

And with that I'm off to research all things botox and dermal filler-like. Unless of course somebody knows a vampire they can direct my way.

Beauty splurges this month

The following reviews are mega basic and brief because a) I have somewhat of a social life, b) I couldn't care less about ingredients, and because c) I don't get bloody paid for it so hush yourself you demanding, whining, nitpickers. Oh and these products were acquired over the last few months not just one solitary October, I'm not Vicki Beckham you know, my allowance doesn't stretch that far per month.

Clinique Dewy Smooth Anti-ageing Makeup - Those that suffer from dry skin will kindly agree that searching for the ideal foundation is rather like searching for the holy grail. Most foundations tend to dry the skin further, resulting in much flakiness, patchiness and that oh so attractive leathery skin. This, however, is a bottled miracle - it hydrates and plumps my skin from the moment I apply it to moment I wipe it off. Expect great coverage and healthy, glowing skin. And the 'anti-ageing' bit is not a marketing scheme folks, skin does actually look considerably younger. The result is a fresh-faced, porcelain look. What's not to love eh?

Mac Face and Body Foundation - Far to weak to parade around as a foundation for the face - the consistency is not quite right, it's far too runny and does not blend well but weave in some body moisturiser and it makes for a lovely tinted moisturiser to slap on your legs, you know, to give them renewed life and such.

L'Oreal Voluminous 4x Mascara - A hasty purchase but wow, what a find, I believe it must have been fate, it had to have been fate. So there I was, all mascara-less, Boots online were all out of stock on my ass about my favourite mascara, and I accidentally bought the waterproof version of it in store (and we all know waterproof is not good, maybe if you swim a lot then it's possibly okay but other than that it is the opposite of all things good), so I plastered on the only option I had - the poxy waterproof mascara, with no idea on how to remove it without pulling my eyelashes out of their socket - and bopped along to Superdrug, hoping that they would have the regular version of my favourite mascara but alas, no such luck. So there I was in a state of panic that perhaps, just perhaps, they had phased out my favourite mascara - the fiends! But more panic in that I had a date the day after the next, and it was necessary that a replacement was discovered so that flirting successfully with my eyes all evening long was possible. And almost like the Wise Men following a star, I was led to this lengthening and volumising marvel. It does exactly what it claims, quadruples your lashes for the sexiest, most glamorous flutter.

MeMeMe Lash Attack Mascara - The backup hasty purchase should the above have failed. There seemed to be a huge hoopla about this brand in Superdrug at the time, and the tacky packaging screamed cheap yet at the same time I guiltily found it rather funky. The mascara itself is pants, just complete pants. Do not believe a word it says about being all 'extreme lengthening' and all that, damn lies I tell you, in fact this mascara is so below average that I am ashamed to admit that I purchased, even more ashamed to have reviewed it - it is not worthy of a review, but if this review were to stop a single person, just one small person (like a troll or a midget), from purchasing this pants product then it would not have been in vain. I am doing it for the greater good.

Revlon Fabulash Mascara - My secret to magnificent lashes. Many are undecided on this product, with reviews ranging from it being relatively so-so to being absolutely amazing. I agree with the latter school of thought. It produces silky, clump-free lashes that are luxuriously long and thick - can't really ask for more than that, unless of course you want it to do the housework for you, which it won't by the way because it's only a mascara dammit.

No 7 Stay Perfect Eyeshadow in Midnight Blue - My main gripe with most eyeshadow is that it just doesn't stay put and creases. This one does, stay put I mean, not crease. The powder is quite rich in texture, and glides on easily and evenly - no eyeshadow-related mishaps here people. And it lasts forever! Okay, maybe not forever but until I wipe it off anyway which is pretty good going. It means that it is still firmly in place after a night's heavy partying, you know, around three-ish when it's not quite night and it's not quite day, and your hair now smells of cigarette smoke, and has transformed from sleek to gritty, your make-up is in a dishevelled state, and your clothes are all crumpled with an unknown blotch fighting its way to the spotlight, well, despite all this at least your eyeshadow will still remain immaculate. Also, a note on the colour - the most sultry shade like, ever. It's an indigo-navy hue with a somewhat metallic shimmer, pile it on generously, and you can achieve dark and intensely smokey eyes.

Rimmel Glam'Eyes Professional Liquid Liner - I have tried many eyeliners but either they are too dry and hence the crackle effect, or the brush is too fine or too thick which inevitably makes application tricky and an outright pain. This liquid eyeliner does a great job, the brush is perfectly balanced in size to create chic eyes, and the liquid is concentrated enough to produce a deep yet sharp outline.

Rimmel Professional Eyebrow Pencil - Just your regular eyebrow pencil really, there is nothing much to rave about here guys. It has a soft finish which although is great for filling in empty eyebrow spaces, is not so great for defining the ends of the eyebrow. It seems Rimmel have altered the formula of this pencil slightly, it used to be firmer and definitive in application whereas now it is far more delicate. Also, not sure if it's just because my pencil sharperner is quite frankly rubbish but this eyebrow pencil is a royal pain to sharpen - the lead just keeps breaking off and before you know it the pencil has almost disappeared. Not good Rimmel, not good.

Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in Pink Blush - My standard lippy. It must have moisturising properties because my lips stay rather hydrated and soft. The creamy texture offers a glossy and smooth coating, and I am the first to admit that the product is definitely not massively long lasting as it suggests but reapplication is not beneath me so I really don't mind at all. The intensity of the shade actually depends entirely on the colour you select. Pink Blush is meant to be quite sheer and subtle so is not deeply pigmented - it allows the focal point to be smouldering eyes. If I fancy a sexy pout instead, I opt for Retro which is a very trendy red-orange shade, both vivid and dramatic.

Rimmel 5 in 1 Nail Treat - I tend to steer clear of colour on my nails, not only is it very high maintenance in the sense that you need to preserve it by being on complete standby for any chipping, you also must keep adapting it to accommodate your attire - far too much hassle methinks. I prefer a clear, glossy polish as it's neutral and also more classy. Rimmel's Nail Rescue is my usual choice, it's actually a nail repair treatment for weak nails like mine, serving to strengthen them in just two weeks, yet at the same time it's very clear polish-like. Perfect really. Except I couldn't find it online or in store and had to settle for this imitation. It promises to do pretty much the same thing except in addition it also claims to be a base coat and top coat - quite a multitasker I say. I can't comment on its base and top coat abilities as I don't wear nail varnish on my fingernails but it does ensure shiny nails, and it also seems to have accelerated nail growth, however they don't quite look or feel any stronger yet.

Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Blemish Gel - Sort of like a superhero for the skin that fights evil baddie spots and such. This invisible gel (invisible - very superhero-like eh - nice) is totally uh-may-zing! It reduces redness and pimple size which means they don't look all angry and menacing. I love it so much that, spots or no spots, I slather it all over my face morning and night in a very ritualistic manner (fear not, there's no tribal dance and war paint involved), I feel like my skin will erupt in spots if I don't, kind of like how some people think their family may die if they don't turn the light switch on and off ten times before exiting the house.

Garnier UltraLift Anti-wrinkle Day Cream and Night Cream - Smells absolutely gorgeous, which I know is irrelevant but still. I used this moisturiser combination in my late teens and early twenties but was lured to other products and so ditched it in favour of them, having returned to it again I can say that I am in no rush to leave this time round. The rich, creamy recipe nourishes my dry skin as well as establishing a great base for foundation. My skin looks healthier and brighter, not to mention soft, smooth and supple. Huge thumbs up from me.

Garnier handrepair Hand Cream - Sinks into the skin very readily and easily, there is no greasiness or smothered feeling here. Hands immediately appear tighter on application.

Good Things Five Minute Facial Face Mask - Being an absolute sucker for new, tempting products on the market, I spotted a somewhat shrine to the Good Things brand in my local Boots, and just had to indulge myself despite the fact that I had never even heard of the damn range. There's some great, big fuss about these products being created using superfruit extracts, and we all know fruit is mega healthy so this can't really be a bad thing, and so therefore must be an, erm... good thing - wonder if it counts towards my five-a-day? For those who wish to know, this selection has been constructed by some beauty writer named Alice Hart-Davis (rings no bells whatsoever) who has used her 'expertise in the beauty industry' (so informs the back of the tube) to compose this stuff, this means absolutely zilch to me because as far as I am concerned writing about something does not immediately make you qualified enough to manufacture that something. This clay mask is lovely though, and it smells divine. I love clay masks because they have this instant purifying feeling about them, this one is softer than most and feels like a total lavish treat - amazing boost for your skin before a night out.

Good Things Stay Clear Purifying Cleanser - Ah, that traditional exquisite Good Things smell is the first thing to hit your senses. This cleanser is fairly efficient at its job -it makes skin feel fresher and more refined - however there is nothing on offer here that would possibly make it remarkable. Just my humble opinion, that's all, let's not shoot the messenger eh.

Good Things Stop that Spot! Clearing Gel - Besides the scrumptious scent there is not much I would recommend here - I prefer to select something with tea tree oil when it comes to spots because the results are generally far better.

Boots Tea Tree + Witch Hazel Foaming Face Wash - It's like medicine for the skin - must be the tea tree eh. Skin feels taunt yet clean. And it's very gentle.

Boots Tea Tree + Witch Hazel Exfoliating Face Scrub - Exfoliation is like my favourite type of cleaning - it by far beats scrubbing loos. This one is fairly average really, not great, not awful, just average. It does what it is intended to - it exfoliates dammit! If you don't fancy any more from it then fab, if so then look elsewhere.

Boots Tea Tree + Witch Hazel Spot Wand - Hmmm, hmmm indeed. It's double-sided in that there is one side dedicated for day use, and the other for night. In my opinion neither work wonders. Aside from smelling like tea tree, and so giving the impression that it should do its thing, it has nothing else to offer, it's a bit of a tea tree scam really.

Carmex Classic Moisturising Lip Balm - Definitely remains a classic lip companion for moi. My lips tend to dislike flavoured lip balms so I have to avoid the cherry version and stick to the original. Some lip balms are further drying but this one soothes and conditions troubled, chapped lips, keeping them totally crack-free and replenished.

Clairol Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Moisture & Shine Shampoo and Conditioner - Here I refer to the separate products, not the 2-in-1 version - I may be busy but I shall always have enough time to shampoo and condition my hair independently, and I suggest you do the same. My hair is pretty dry thanks to extensive use of the best invention ever, that's a straightener folks, not a microwave, although a microwave does come pretty close. Leaves locks extremely silky and smooth, and is great nutrition for damaged hair, plus the coconut smell is oh so lovely.

Sanctuary Spa Escape Gift Set - Consists of five products - body wash, body scrub, body butter, hand cream and salt scrub. I was purchasing pressies for a friend's birthday and took advantage of the three-for-two offer in Boots, it meant I could treat myself to this little package. I do like Sanctuary products, they have this lavish and extravagant feel about them, and my body always feels valued after usage. I am not going to review them individually but as a whole they have the trademark Sanctuary smell, and the trademark Sanctuary pampering quality. Good stuff.

Dolce and Gabbana The One eau de parfum - A birthday gift a few years ago and has quickly become a signature date scent ever since. Men just seem to adore this perfume. It's sweet and feminine in a womanly way, very seductive, and not afraid to linger around for a while. Simply addictive. Plus I receive many compliments when I float around in it, oh and many queries too.


Lancôme Hypnôse eau de parfum - Hypnotising is the word that springs to mind. I was introduced to this by an ex buying it as a mother's day gift - best thing to come out of that relationship really! I remember catching a sniff of it and being so mesmorised that I just had to have it. It really is that special - alluring and enchanting, if Angelina Jolie were a fragrance this would be it.

Jean Paul Gaultier Madame eau de toilette - Another former birthday present which I had to replace. It's fun, fresh and fruity, very summery yet sweet but not in a sickly way. Truly heavenly.

Hugo Boss Orange eau de toilette - It's of the Madame variety (see directly above!) - I discovered it via a sample through the post and felt drawn to it instantly.

Paco Rabanne Ultraviolet eau de parfum - An ex used to wear this fragrance, the male version of course, and I thought it was stunning, so much so that I bought it for the dude I dated after - naughty? Maybe. I figured purchasing the female counterpart wouldn't be such a gamble seeing as I already had a positive verdict towards it. It's a more subtle variant of the male scent - sensual and light, quite powdery, not strong or distinctive enough for the evening but rather gentle for daytime wear. And the bottle is just so funky!

Tommy Hilfiger True Star eau de parfum - I figured this would be a safe purchase seeing as Mrs Jay-Z (that's Beyoncé by the way people) is fronting the perfume. It's quite disappointing really, the scent is very crisp and fresh but nothing new or extraordinary - what I would expect from Calvin Klein to be honest. Goes to show that celebs will attach their name to anything for a bit of cash really. If you desire something quite sporty then this is ideal but you can probably find similar smelling items at your local market for under a fiver.

Heavy Reading

Okay, that's enough now, please try to contain your sniggering, I know it's impossible to believe that I would read anything besides Daily Mail online and Heat Magazine but I am actually capable of prolonged text, even though it may initially seem like too huge a commitment for me.

It took an Amazon
recommendation to spark the initial interest in me, fuelled and spurred further by the 'customers who bought this item also bought...', days later I sat there with my three hard-hitting purchases, all non-fiction accounts of Pakistani Mulim women who have suffered from verbal, mental and physical abuse at the hands of their own family, horrifying narratives of assault, rape and forced marriages, all in the warped justification of punishment and honour. These memoirs all share similar settings - parents who have immigrated to England from some remote Pakistani village, who shun and abhor Western culture, refusing to integrate, instead implementing their strict views, ethics and code of conduct into their offspring via fear so that they will not 'shame' or 'dishonour' them.

What really awakens and angers the feminist in me are the double standards and hypocrisy at play here, there being one set of restrictive rules for the female and another set of loose ones for the male. The women in each case have been treated merely as subservient slaves, their sole purpose as a child to serve their family, that is to complete all household chores extensively until they reach what is thought to be a marriageable age, which shockingly ranges from thirteen to sixteen. This is when they are shipped off to their ancestral country under the false pretense of a holiday, and then forced to marry a complete stranger who is usually much older in age and shares identical misogynistic traits, viewing the alliance as a means through which to gain entry into this country. It is astounding that such deception is executed by their own flesh and blood - by parents, or rather monsters, who instead of nurturing and protecting their child are instead the primary ones inflicting all this horrendous pain and suffering - beating them into submission and thrusting them into a paedophilic marriage - such parental figures, such love, such compassion, such humanity.

These young girls are expected to lead a 'modest' lifestyle in traditional attire with Western influences condemned and regarded as sinful. Showing flesh is a heinous crime. Interacting with the opposite sex is forbidden. Such acts are thought to bring disgrace upon the family. Any disobedience is met with brutal violence. The men, or boys, meanwhile are free to come and go as they please, there are no confinements in place for them as they are considered superior to the female, almost worshipped even. These girls have no rights, no freedom, no voice. Life is a mere routine of school, and homely duties as well as being on call to regular family demands, with the former probably being their only escape from the daily grind of drudgery and torture. Yet even here they are social misfits due to the cultural restrictions they suffer. It's rich that their parents have travelled to Western lands in order to take advantage of the opportunities on offer, however at the same time are quick to reject and prohibit their culture, there is no sense of 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do', there is no adaptation, just narrow-mindedness and hostility.

Religion becomes a quick answer or reason for everything when in reality it is rather culture than religion to blame here. It is their culture that enforces such constraints, religion instead becomes an easy scapegoat. For example, the Islamic text actually observes that both men and women should dress in a conservative and demure fashion, so why then are only women expected to cover their hair and hide behind veils? Why are these conditions not in place for men too? Not that there is in fact any mention of having to adorn headscarves, veils or full body robes to begin with. Much of this it seems has been interpreted and enforced by society, and this happens to be the case in all these three memoirs - the holy scriptures become misconstrued and manipulated to suit their oppressive and abusive purpose.

These real-life stories are difficult to stomach at times, with strong depictions of violence and sexual acts but nevertheless make for a gripping and enthralling read, and luckily all conclude with a much deserved happy ending. You cannot help but applaud their courage and bravery, their decision to finally admit that enough is enough, to take the first step of liberation despite all the consequences this would inevitably incur. Unfortunately this is not always the case, many girls who find themselves trapped in these dire situations are unable to escape, and even if they do manage to somehow flee they are hunted down and become victims of honour crimes - their punishment for what is considered defiance, this defiance which is thought to have humiliated and degraded their respective families, culture and society.

As well as being a sign of hope for girls destined similar fates to what these authors have endured, I feel these biographies are adequate research for Social Services and Child Protection who are generally not equipped at dealing with such an alien culture. For instance, if the child eventually plucks up the courage to confide in somebody, that somebody should definitely not assume that talking to the family will prove to be sufficient and beneficial - unfortunately there is no bargaining with people who are so deeply ingrained and brainwashed by their beliefs, and such actions will no doubt further endanger the child in question, not only will they be 'punished' for speaking out but any forced marriage proceedings will be accelerated, it being common that the child just simply disappears. This is your study material you Social Services types, take it and absorb it.

Reading material:

'The Imam's Daughter' - Hannah Shah
'Disgraced' - Saira Ahmed
'Belonging' - Sameem Ali

High Street Stroll

I spy with my very normal sized eye a lot of Autumn knitwear. And okay, so I'm not an ardent devotee of knitwear in all its varied glory, I would like to be but jumpers and the like just make me look four months pregnant which would be perfectly okay if I were indeed four months pregnant but I am most certainly not four months pregnant so I am going to abstain from such garments, think this winter will be all about layers and cardigans - cardigans rock! I mean, there are such pretty knitwear pieces available, with belts don't you know, so you can cinch your waist and thus avoid the four month pregnant look but even so, they are chunky and short sleeved which inevitably means you still look two dress sizes bigger whilst your poor arms shiver themselves crazy. Besides I just don't get short sleeved jumpers, what's the point, if I'm buying a jumper I expect sleeves, and no, that's not diva behaviour at all, it's not like I'm asking for my dressing room to be specially painted white with candles and flowers in the same theme, or demanding that my assistant pick out only blue M&Ms for me to devour, I only want sleeves dammit!

Here's me avoiding knitwear like cracks in the pavement:

Right: Pleat Front Brace Skirt - Jane Norman
Excuse the miniscule image, it was the only visual at my disposal. If you are slightly timid of braces, like myself, these can actually be detached or casually flung down so fear not. I know nautical has already left the building but I still could not resist this cute skirt. Perfect for those monochrome madness moments.

Left: Black Spotted Puffball Skirt - Miss Selfridge
Simply gorgeous. A 1950s puffball skirt style instantly made cutting-edge with the patent belt. The polka dots are subtle but lend a very elegant and feminine touch. Looks absolutely awesome combined with my polka dot vest.






Right: Purple Heart Necklace and Studded Bangle - Touch at Pearsons
Charming accessories that would flatter any purple infused outfit. And heart pendants are just my favourite, actually anything heart shaped does it for me really, it's my most cherished shape ever! Although, one does wonder - hearts - are they a shape, are they an organ - that is the true question.

Left: Shawl Collar Tie Belt Cardigan - Jane Norman
Okay, fair enough, it does qualify as knitwear yet at the same time if you were reading this post attentively you would have gathered that cardigans are in fact exempt from the whole knitwear ban. So there. Can't really claim that there is anything unique or special about this item, it is just your run-of-the-mill charcoal cardigan. I like it though, and because I purchased it recently it is sufficient reason enough for it to be plastered on this post. So there!

Also in further shopping related news, I have discovered Glitz4Girlz - great pieces of hair jewellery to masquerade my ghastly fringe. If you are not deterred by the name of the site, which admittedly seems very much directed at those of a single digit age, and are patient enough to sift through the tacky merchandise, you shall find some great bits here, I should know for I have almost bought half of all there is on offer.

Apologies for the brief and oh so very lazy post - am going to play the 'writer's block' card here!

Idiots need not apply

So men, guys, fellas, dudes, you know, those creatures with the hairy chests and bulging biceps (bar the metrosexuals and the gym-phobic) - and yes, I am fully aware that beginning this post in such a manner insinuates that it will be all angsty and rant-like, full of misandry and much verbal abuse aimed at the male race but I assure you that this is definitely not the case - so men yeah, men are just so infuriatingly labyrinthine, and not in a fun, puzzle-like way but more so in an annoying, arrrrrrrrrrrgh-like way.

I don't hate men, if anything quite the opposite, I mean it would be pretty difficult to near enough impossible to date if that were the case. And I don't generalise, some men are good, some men are bad, most men are in a place somewhere in-between, led astray by confusion and poor judgement, not that I am by any means making excuses for them. All in all, I am quite men and relationship savvy, most men I have dated (and by most I mean all but one) I can confidently claim were rather nice, although at the time they may have been idiots and what not, looking back overall though they were, excuse the repetition, rather nice, and I hope that they have since remained as such. I have never dated the tattooed motorbike dude or any Cuban immigrants with the penchant to utter "say hello to my little friend", I know supposedly women like an element of danger and all that but to me, whilst it does make for an extremely impressive fantasy in my head, it does not quite translate into reality. So perhaps my relationships have been a little less exciting but at the same time they have also been a hell of lot drama-free which suits me pretty fine thank you very much.

I have always understood the male psyche well, you know, men and their caves, and all that malarkey, have always believed men to be pretty simple, straightforward beings, if they tease you they like you and all that jazz but suddenly overnight in a weird genetic mutation fashion they have become somewhat complicated. Now that's not fair, that's not what I had signed up for. All that I have learnt about the opposite sex over the years has been cruelly demolished, my evidence filled portfolio completely destroyed, men have almost become as complex as... women *gasps*.

Dating has always been a breeze to me, I have mastered it well, I am the epitome of aloof and mysterious, flirty yet reserved, it's all a balancing act, experts say play it cool, be a little unavailable and whilst this is true, push it too far and the guy in question will just assume you are not interested, the key is balance people, I know this, in the same way I know that it's different strokes for different folks, you can't treat a shy guy the same as you would an arrogant one, it's all about knowing your audience, I know this, and I know this well as I have never had to wait three days for a guy to call (said not at all in a big-headed, boastful manner) but now it seems that perhaps my once incredible charm and wit are wearing quite thin. I know when a guy is interested, I know how to keep a guy interested, 'He's Just Not That Into You' is my bible for God's sake but maybe, just maybe, my tricks have become too old, maybe, just maybe, I'm losing my touch.

I am of course as per usual going off on a tangent here, I start with a single, clear idea in my mind, and am inundated and overwhelmed with several other thought processes. Basically to sum up what I have said so far is that:

• I like men
• Men are all sorts of apples (good, bad, rotten)
• I can weed out the good from the bad
  
• I am not exactly partial to tattooed fellas, or Cubans, or tattooed Cubans
• I am not racist. Or tattoo-ist
• Tattoo-ist is not a real, actual word
• I just 'Googled' it, and tattooist is in fact a real, actual word but not in the context I intended it to be
• Men were simple spirits, men are now, in an evil twist of role reversal, very much the opposite
  
• I play the dating game well
• Rules for the said dating game above have perhaps, unbeknown to me, changed slightly
• "He's just not that into you" is my standard, no nonsense answer to all dating type dilemmas

Hope you are now on the same page as me folks. Or at least reading the same book.

The following is going to be ultra "so he goes, and then I go, and then he said, and so I said, then he goes..." - don't say I didn't warn you!

Recent ambiguous man (numero uno):

A dude I know from my young, carefree days (translate as sixth form/college period when the prospect of being twenty is old in fossil-like terms), and by 'know' I do not mean intimately, I barely looked at the poor fella twice, shallow I know but what the hell, at least I am honest - whatever happened to honesty being the best policy and all that crap eh? Anyway, so he got in touch with me last year, and boy has he emerged into a total hottie since, I met him up a couple of times since me and ex-bloke had broken up, only ex-bloke decided to incessantly declare his undying love for me in an attempt to rekindle our relationship which kinda scuppered any plans I had involving ambiguous man numero uno. He conveniently resurfaced earlier this summer, when ex-bloke was nothing but a mere distant memory, and I apologise if this summary is verging on dragging, I am attempting to shorten it without omitting any relevant facts. Dude was convinced I am a player - a popular yet completely fabricated myth - he was all serious squared (that is like a mathematics term people), banging on about what he is looking for (something very serious squared), now I had reservations about him last time round, that he perhaps had too much on his plate and not enough time to dedicate to a lady friend, just an inkling really or a vibe even, which cropped up again, and was firmly confirmed - I mean, despite contrary belief I am not what I would call high-maintenance, I am at home in my local pub than any fancy restaurant, seeing a guy any more than once a week is not expected and therefore is a major bonus for me, what I do however expect is for the man to stay in touch, communication is vital, necessary even, especially in the early stages, so when I have hooked up with a dude (and by hooked up I certainly don't mean any action between the sheets) I am not naive in assuming that he will naturally be in contact more so than prior to hooking up (still don't mean the horizontal lambada folks), I mean is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Ambiguous man numero uno who was so intent on having a serious to the power of ten relationship suddenly realised he was to busy to maintain a serious to the power of ten relationship. So why initiate it then eh, why be such a timewaster? I mean I'm not stupid, he just wasn't that into me (despite his earnest protests) - my oh so neat conclusion for all dating failures. If a guy's into you he will make time, create time, plead with the powers that be to sneak a couple of extra hours into a day somewhere somehow. It's pretty simple really.

Recent ambiguous man (numero due):

Okay so picture this, I'm out having a few drinks some Friday evening, there's a whole bunch of us scattered around the place, at the end of the evening I am told there was some dude admiring me from afar, too shy to have walked on over but did choose to jot his number down to pass along to me via a friend - now c'mon, if a guy chooses to dish his number out, like totally willingly and without any outside influence, he's definitely interested right? I mean, if a guy asks you for your number, there is a possibility that he is doing so out of courtesy and has absolutely no intentions of getting in touch but if he himself is readily distributing his digits then that surely means he's interested right?? Hmmm, the jury's out on this one it seems. So I decided to initiate a little light conversation through the easiest, most non-threatening form of communication - yep, text. So we go back and forth but his responses seem extremely bland, I mean you can tell if a guy's feeling you, he will find some excuse to be in contact, some excuse to keep the verbal banter flowing, he's the one asking you a billion questions in an attempt to fully suss you out, I tell you what he most definitely is not - bland. Sure he asked me if I fancied going for a drink, and added me as a 'friend' on Facebook (possibly just to bump his friends list) but ultimately I felt like I was making all the effort to maintain some sort of conversation, and immediately those damn words 'he's just not that into you' popped into my head. Another pesky timewaster it seems. See what I mean about blokes becoming so difficult to gauge?

So men, guys, fellas, dudes, creatures with hairy chests and bulging biceps, do choose to believe me when I urge that idiots need not apply. Can the universe kindly throw me a decent one now please?

My name is Jasmine, and I am a shoeaholic

Retail therapy: the most effective therapy known to man, and one that I can personally vouch for. But what does one do when they have no money in the bank and no credit card on hand? Nope, not resort to theft or hustle up a sugar daddy, those that have a little ounce of morality catalogue shop. It's like put in on the tab darling.

Yes, I know, I wasn't supposed to buy any more shoes but I rebelled and went on a massive, spiralling out of control shoe binge. In my defence, new shoes are an excellent cure for the blues.

Left: Timeless Velvet Stud Peeptoe Courts - Freemans
I still can't quite resist purple, it's amazing to think that prior to last year, when the colour was officially discovered, it rarely featured in my wardrobe, before last year purple barely existed in my world and now I wear it practically every other day. These towering heels may look a tad scary and intimidating but are surprisingly comfortable and mega easy to strut around in, even after a few Tequila shots. You have my word, in fact take my whole sentence. Plus they work wonders on your legs, think supermodel-esque pins here. The statement stud feature provides a unique and sexy element so it is probably best to keep the rest of your outfit rather low-key but with a splash of purple somewhere in order to compliment the footwear. They look fab teamed with blue denim, and by denim I mean jeans and not any other denim creation. For the record, I don't actually own any denim other than jeans and neither should you - just giving you the heads up folks.

Right: Laura Scott Peep Toe Ankle Boots - Freemans
I have pretty much been a late bloomer when it has come to boots, partially because I prefer my open high heeled shoes as they are more sultry and feminine, and partially because my feet resent being confined. And boots just don't go well with party dresses. But winter strongly demands for more foot coverage, and what with leaves falling off trees and such I believe it is time to invest in boots - great adorned with tights and leggings as I have discovered. These studded suede ankle gems are amay-zing, and the peeptoe factor makes them more contemporary and fashionable, and also allows one with the opportunity to flash a toe or two to tease those with a foot fetish. They complete a short dress and black tights combo.

Left: Laura Scott Sandals - Freemans
A little wooden if you know what I mean but its earthy tones flatter similar coloured oufits. The marble-type stone design is very pretty and distinctive. I like to team them with my short, beige-y shirt dress and leopard print accessories. Or with my gorgeous ethnic scarf dress which is conveniently made of the same hues.

Right: Andrea Conti Peep Toe Shoes - Freemans
Yay, more purple! I like! And what's more is that there's a diamanté buckle at the forefront AND sequins - how much more glitz could a gal honestly wish for? I have truly been spoilt here with this extraordinary handiwork. These shoes are so delicate looking that I am actually afraid to wear them, besides they look so pretty on my bedroom shelf.

Left: Andrea Conti Ankle Boots - Freemans
Having now been acquainted with boots, and not one to do anything by halves, I decided that it was absolutely necessary that I had a pair of brown boots to set off the winter palette of neutral colours. They totally suit the white, cream and brown tones related with the freezing season soon to be bestowed upon us. And they look perfect with blue jeans. Plus the stud design is so in at the moment.

Right: Oli Diamanté Cluster
Shoes - Freemans and
Below: Clarks Diamanté Shoes - Freemans

I am a colour kinda girl, therefore black is almost always last on my list. Furthermore, I always struggle to find a decent pair of black shoes. Same goes for a LBD. And by decent I mean something quite outstanding and not regular. Most black shoes (and ickle black dresses) are, sorry to say, rather dull, unimaginative, and *gasp*, same-ish. Think Davina McCall and Jennifer Aniston here. Both of whom could do with injecting a little colour in their lives, away with predicatability people I say. Yes, I know both these shoes are almost a step away from being the same pair of shoes, not quite twins but siblings of all black diamanté shoes, however I really could not decide between the two, and when one cannot decide between the two they should pick both. Yes, it's an extravagant option but reduces much stress, and we all know stress causes spots, and spots are evil. Along with bananas, beans and Satan. Both options are glamorous and a damn sight of an awesome companion for any party outfit.

... and then there were a few basic purchases involved too, what I would class as wardrobe essentials...

Right: Laura Scott Button Cardigan - Freemans
It's so damn difficult to buy a normal, regular cardigan. No, I don't want the cropped variety, and I certainly don't want the long, knitted types either - I just want a normal, regular cardigan dammit, with actual sleeves that end at my wrists, and something that doesn't drag across the floor and nearly trip me over in the process. I feel rather like Goldilocks, you know, like "this cardigan is too short"... "this cardigan is too long"... "ahhh, this Laura Scott Button Cardigan is just right". The sleeves are still a few centimetres short, and hey, it's not like I have giant Stretch Armstrong arms or anything, in fact my arms are quite diminutive really but this cardigan will do. It will do so much that I bought in in both black and red. And I like the crystal-type jewel buttons, they jazz up what would initially have been a very normal, regular cardigan. And yes, I know that's exactly what I had originally wanted but still - jazzing up is always much appreciated.

Left: Aniston studded cardigan - Freemans
I was fairly hesistant and unsure of this item, the material seemed a bit - sorry for being slightly snobbish - cheap looking, and it's grey. Not that there is anything really wrong with grey, except that I'm just not a huge fan of grey, it's a bit bland, not exciting enough for me, not that I expect it to take me for a motorbike ride or skydiving or anything, it's just a little dull. But hey, guess what, I just lurrrrrrve this cardigan, much emphasised by the extensive use of 'r' don't you know. The studded feature gives it a little edge, making it way more hip than all other cardigans, and all the other cardigans so want to be like this one but they can't because they don't have studs, so hah all you other cardigans, you are not quite as cool as my Aniston studded cardigan, in your face cardigan population. Also, it has a very slight waterfall aspect to it which means you can tie the ends and hey presto, it's transformed into a cropped version of itself. How versatile eh. And I have just realised that grey is like such a cool colour, it's kinda like a darker white, and like a lighter black, like totally awesome dude. But the best thing about it is that it can be paired with almost anything - grey rocks! It looks best with a monochrome look or with jeans but like I just said, it goes with practically anything, I particulary prefer it teamed with my navy dresses - add black tights and the studded Laura Scott Peep Toe Ankle boots from above, and it's a killer look.

Right: AJC Vest Top - Freemans and
Below: Laura Scott Stud Neck Top - Freemans

Vest tops are the epitome of casual, and a wardrobe requirement. I find most are either made of flimsy material or are just too plain, these however are pretty perfect as far as vest tops go. The polka dot design on the AJC one means it can be combined with a black or white skirt for a trendy monochrome look. Let's not forget that polka dots were once again fashionable earlier this spring/summer season, and although it may now be autumn it must be remembered that this pattern is a trend that will never truly disappear, it seems to pop up regularly time and time again, and is very easy to wear, making this top a wardrobe investment really. Meanwhile, the embellishments on the Laura Scott top immediately marks it slightly higher up on the food chain than your standard plain black vest top. Wear with grey skinny jeans, the grey cardigan above, a pair of black boots, and lots of attitude for a rock chick look.

Right: Melrose Satin Bow Top - Freemans
What can I say, it's that colour grey again, and we have much established that I'm so feeling grey at the minute. An ordinary top made pretty with a central satin bow feature, it is terrific coupled with a pair of jeans for a laid-back daytime look.

Below: Laura Scott Graphic Jersey Dress - Freemans
Apologies for the lame-ass photographic image, this dress however is absolutely lush. The different shades of grey (yep, grey once more) combined with the black make it very interesting and stylish, and the studded quirks give it an ultra modern and current feel. Is it just me, or is everybody just heavily sprinkling studs on clothing and footwear everywhere? This post alone has had several articles illustrated with these popular metal pieces. It is stud season indeed.

Funny Business

So it's been a while, I knew I had been neglecting my oh so lovely blog but didn't quite realise to what extent until I actually got back on here, after much difficulty I must add - I managed to actually forget my log in and password, shameful I know but hey, I'm here now and that's all that matters right? I see that it has been almost two months since my last post, and I wish I had some pretty darn great excuse for such disregard, like you know, that I was researching a cure for Aids or educating orphans in Africa or incarcerated for possession but that would be stretching the truth in the sense that if the truth were here in England right this second then I would have succeeded in stretching it all the way to Wonderland. I have struggled to find time to maintain my little baby, what with work, and getting drunk, and much shopping thrown in to fill any possible gaps, all of which I pledge to dissect in intricate detail later. And yes, it's a lame justification because if this were really a newborn then I would have the Social Services on my case but I will strive to be better, I promise.

Russell Peters - I went to see him a couple of weeks ago at the O2 Arena - and it has made me think that I am so totally in the wrong profession. For those who are unaware, Russell Peters is a Canadian stand-up comedian whose material generally pokes fun at different races and cultures. I have seen him many a time on dvd before but this was the first time I saw him live, in fact it was most probably the first time I had seen any sort of comedy show live, not that I hate comedy or anything, it actually forms the majority of my television viewing, well it's a tie between comedy tv shows and reality telly if I am being completely honest, but I have dabbled slightly with stand-up before, not personally silly but as part of an audience at some random comedy pub type place in Piccadilly Circus. It was small and cramped, not at all ideal for a claustrophobic like myself. And this dude, the comedian type, was like a dog without a leash, completely lashing out at various spectators whilst I sat there in the second row, in an unmissable Latin-style red dress, trying to shrink myself, all frozen from the fear that movement may well draw attention to my shy and nervous self. It conclusively took me back to being picked on in them horrid high school maths lessons - maths was never one of my stronger subjects folks. Sorry but I am not the kind of person who can be witty on demand, maybe because I have never been much of a punctual person, witticisms always tend to arrive half an hour later than the occassion. Needless to say I only lasted roughly ten painful minutes, that's like eight minutes since I decided to quit the whole torture session, that's like eight minutes it took to muster up the courage to stand up and walk out, that's like eight minutes too long.

Anyway, so Russell didn't seem quite as daunting because the venue itself is ma-hu-sive, not a chance of being picked on which suited me just fine. And although he was off-the-wall funny (sorry, I know the term 'funny' in conjunction with a comedian is probably quite insulting but my thesaurus is collecting dust at the moment and I don't really want to disturb it), am not really sure whether he was worth the fifty quid ticket for an hour and half show, especially when I have previously paid slightly less to see Chris Brown and Ne-Yo perform (not together guys but they should so do that, they would be raking in the cash) both of whom are far more celebrity and have far more of the entertainment factor, especially when most of his jokes although clever are at the same time fairly predictable, especially when I could have just waited a few weeks and then YouTubed him up!

So there's Chris Brown and Ne-Yo, not together, separately, dancing their little socks off and singing their little hearts out in order to make a living whilst Mr Russell Peters casually saunters on stage, throws about a few recycled jokes and hops off laughing all way to the bank. That's pretty good going for an hour and half's work. And let's not forget that they both had pretty decent opening acts too, ickle Cwissy Brown even had then girlfriend Rihanna make a special appearance (this was about a month before he used her for a human punchbag), who the hell did Russell have? Some dude I have never heard of, I can't even remember his name, don't think I ever even registered his name. Not at all saying that he wasn't funny, yep, it's that word again but c'mon, he weren't no Rihanna.

And to be honest, as much as I like Russell, not love for I don't want Mrs Peters hot on my trail, I have lost a little respect for him. It seemed like he had staged people in the audience that he had a specific repartee in mind for, I refuse to believe that he improvised on the spot, they were most definitely planted as part of his sinister game plan (okay, so he's only trying to make a quick buck not take over the world but still), there is no way he could respond with such clever comments and at such pace, and if he actually did then I do apologise, hats off to him indeed if I actually wore one, that's a hypothetical hats off to him I guess.

I am by no means trying to knock the guy, he is making cheddar the best way he can, that's money not cheese you urban challenged people. However, comedians as entertainers quite frankly have it easy, no gruelling dance routines, no vocal training, no mad gym sessions, you are actually even expected to look fat, it's the norm, sorry, I meant to say overweight/out of shape/chunky/larger than life - you pick whatever takes your fancy. See, if I were a comedian 'fat' would be funny, not politically incorrect. All I am saying is that once I get over my medical condition best known as stage-fright, Russell best watch his back, I got my eye on his job! All it involves is taking the P I double S out of people, and that is quite literally what I do on the regular, even more so after a drink or two, and there I was thinking it was an illness when really it is a talent of some sort that deserves to get paid big bucks.

All in all it was a great evening, and Russell was his usual hilarious, genius self. Whether it was worth fifty quid I am not entirely sure. Maybe it's because we live in a world where every other person is depressed, and where laughter is the best medicine, in which case an hour and half's dosage is proabably a reasonable deal. Although I cannot help thinking that Prozac would probably be cheaper.