When I grow up, I want to be...

... a fairy. Or mermaid. Or princess.

And although I am fairly grown up now, maybe not in stature but most definitely in age, I still maintain that I wish to be a fairy, mermaid or princess, even though I know it's highly unlikely, in fact quite literally impossible, and all in all rather fantastical really. Unless of course I start to look towards Disney theme parks as potential employers.

Oh to be a mischievous, diminutive, winged creature, dancing through woodland skies, generously sprinkling glitter-like fairy dust, shrewdly defeating fiery dragons. Now that's an adventure that the regular nine-to-five doesn't offer. Or a mysterious, dainty, fish-tailed nymph, wading through pacific seas, endlessly teasing all fellow marine life, enchanting sailors with her seductive feminine wiles. Or a soft-spoken, dainty, regal lady, gazing longingly out of her window, singing soothingly to feathered beings, patiently waiting to be rescued by her knight in shining armour. Those are roles and responsibilities that I can fathom, job descriptions that suit me to a tee. Well, bar the swimming and singing that is. I could just about swim like a length about seventeen years ago but I very much doubt I can any longer. As for singing, let's just say I ain't no Mariah. Oh and how do mermaids manage to frolic in water for hours on end yet their hair stays immaculate and amazingly dry? Have always wondered.

Besides establishing that a drowning mermaid would altogether make for a very crap mermaid, I am trying to jump ship, get out before the boat sinks and what not, I apologise for the heavy 'at sea' theme, it was not purposely intended, entirely accidental I swear - what I mean to say is that my current occupational abode is in a bit of a financial pickle and so the future there is looking very bleak, and although I am not on their official hitlist, perhaps it is time to look for greener pastures. You know, you'd think that the person accountable for all the financial decisions would be given their marching orders because they have absolutely, totally and completely fucked up, excuse my language. But nope, it's the little people that shall suffer as a result.

And really, right now, right this very minute, I should be updating my CV instead of my online diary, except I have ransacked my whole, entire bedroom and just can't seem to find even half a copy of my old CV, and starting from scratch seems like such a damn chore at the moment. Which leads me question: what do I even want to do? I have never been highly ambitious or motivated, I have never had a career, just jobs, and so two years away from the big three-zero I seem to be in some sort of career-less crisis. Whereas everybody else around my age seems to be professionally settled and steadily climbing up the career ladder, I haven't even had a mere sniff or taste of it, and here I am, still little girl lost.

The whole recruitment process itself is so tough these days. There's the first interview, and the second, and the third, and let's not forget the dreaded panel interview with a whole bunch of intense, scary looking ogres in power suits, all those eyes glued to you, scrutinising your every movement, trying to ambush you into a pile of withering mess. I am not a natural entertainer, do not revel at centre-stage, am not a quick thinker, most certainly do not have the gift of the gab, so interviews are naturally my worst nightmare, along with my straightener breathing its last breath, and heavy rain on a day I am not armed with an umbrella. Interviews destroy any ounce of confidence I possess, confidence which I had very little of to start with. I become a stuttering and mumbling disaster, my heart pounding hard, my voice all high-pitched and squeaky. Boy I hate interviews. And oh, those questions - what can you bring, what are your strengths, why should we hire you, why do you want this job???? How about because I need the money so that I can buy myself pretty things? I am extremely modest and find it really difficult to recommend or sell myself - I am not a product dammit! Besides what can I really say that hasn't been said before? Surely the interviewers must get tired of hearing the same bullshite over and over again? Sometimes I think that I should take a gamble, be a little different, throw in a bit of humour, show some personality but I don't want to risk looking like a right twat. Also, with the current dire economical situation, and jobs being so few and far between, there are like gadzillions of people vying for the same positions, gazdillions of people who are much more qualified and experienced for the role than little ol' me. I just don't stand a chance, might as well spare myself the humiliation and torture. Such defeating talk, I know.

Am thinking it's probably a little late to go into the 'Big Brother' house. I could always become a WAG, just need to hang out at some popular celebrity haunt like Chinawhite and throw some sexy shapes on the dancefloor. Failing that, there's always exotic dancing, I hear it pays well.

And hey, look what I found:

http://www.weekiwachee.com/

- only in the States eh, only in the States could you actually work as a mermaid - good stuff!

Beauty splurges this month

Mac Studio Sculpt SPF 15 Foundation - Foundation lately has become rather problematic for me. I can't seem to find one that caters to my skin tone and type. I need something rather yellow shade-wise, and hydrating as my skin is mega dry and sensitive. The one in question here is quite awful. Well for my face anyway. This foundation is very creamy and mousse-like which means it is extremely difficult to apply and blend, for the most part it plainly refuses to and just stubbornly sits on the face. The effect is something really cakey and patchy. It clings to dry skin, ageing it in the process. The coverage isn't fab either, expect to be greeted to an uneven skin tone with blemishes clearly visible. Mac left me feeling absolutely disappointed with this disaster. Tut tut.

Mac Mineralize Satinfinish SPF 15 Foundation - Glides on easily and provides a smooth, velvety finish. The result is very natural yet dewy, healthy and youthful. Me likes. The only problem is that the coverage is quite light which means blemishes of all kinds still remain fairly unconcealed, cue: upside down smile. The quest for my ideal foundation still continues.

Mac Lip Conditioner SPF 15 - I had to reexperience this product as I recall fond memories from the first time round. It's not as extraordinary as I remember but still a very lavish treat for the lips - leaves them super soft and ultra moisturised, not to mention very kissable. And the hint of vanilla gives it a delectable smell, and oh how I love the smell of vanilla. Plus it's not just any old lip balm, guys it's a lip conditioner! Not quite sure what the difference is, if any, but it just sounds much fancier and like it does stuff that the ordinary lip balm cannot quite manage, not stuff like making you a cup of coffee in the morning or giving you a foot rub, stuff more lip-related. Think of it as a more qualified and educated lip balm.

Yves Saint Lauren Touche Eclat Radiant Touch - Everybody seems to rave about this product, it has a firm place in the beauty hall of fame, is meant to be a miracle for make-up artists and celebrities alike but unfortunately I can't quite seem to understand the hype. I really want to but I just can't. I must be the only person in the whole entire world whom this magic wand doesn't work on. At first I must admit I was applying it incorrectly, mistaking it for a concealer instead of the highlighter pen that it is, and I was relieved as it meant that there was a chance that it could still work. It is not to be administered directly on dark circles and such but rather around contours so that it reflects light from these areas, making the problem areas appear less prominent. Make sense? Just consider it as light trickery. Even so, this new application method failed to provide any considerable results. I didn't notice any improvements so am not quite sure what Touche Eclat does exactly. Maybe my permanent dark under-eye circles are just beyond help eh. I know this legendary product has a cult following but I won't be joining the fan club anytime soon.

Lancome Hypnose Mascara - Revlon's Fabulash is my regular mascara, and although I am completely satisfied with it I fancied a change and decided to experiment a little. Besides they say change is good. I felt a bit guilty and disloyal, like I was cheating on my trusty Fabulash but Hypnose doesn't compare to the former and makes a lousy mistress. Sure it separates and lengthens the lashes but to no impressive level. It definitely does not volumise though - thick lashes cannot be achieved here peeps. Ideal for a natural look, not so much for the likes of me whom like a dramatic, false-lash effect. Guys, if I wanted natural don't you think I would just skip the mascara altogether? I want sky-high glamorous eyelashes not the average ones this mascara has to offer.

Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream Skin Protectant - An exceptionally renowned product which I really don't want to slag off. Unfortunately, I am sorry to report that there was a marked deterioration in my skin after using this brown gel, probably as I was slathering on like half the tube in the hope for a complete skin transformation. It's not a moisturiser, it's more like a medicinal ointment, designed to treat a variety of skin irritations, including "symptoms of chapping, peeling or flaking due to minor burns, sunburn, windburn, scrapes, abrasions or cracked lips". I quote directly from the back of the tube here folks. It smells rather like Yon Ka Serum which I think is fab because I love the marvellous Yon Ka Serum. The gel is very sticky and greasy, so it's a good idea to apply the product just before hitting the sack, especially if the problem area happens to be your face, unless of course you fancy parading around with a mega oily mug. After my first night's application, I woke up to relatively softer and smoother skin but I continued slapping it on every night and perhaps this is where I went wrong as eventually my skin started to suffer from horrible breakouts, not sure if this was down to the oiliness of the product or due to the fact that my skin is majorly sensitive and I had some form of allergic reaction to it. However, I understand that Miss Arden's Skin Protectant should be used sparingly and occasionally, and of course on areas that actually require 'protecting'. In that case, why should I buy this when I can just nip to my local pharmacy and pick up an antiseptic cream, it's waaaaay cheaper and the effect is just the same. Just a thought.

Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream Intensive Daily Moisturizer for Face SPF 15 - This is the moisturiser equivalent of the Skin Protectant. Smells a bit like the exclusive Crème de la Mer which was a nice surprise. The product itself left my skin soft and glowing, it's fairly hydrating too and therefore provides a good base for makeup, but I guess I expect more from my moisturiser, there is nothing extra on offer here, for example most people want skincare that is anti-ageing or has firming properties or fights wrinkles, this claims to do nothing of the sort so I would rather go with something that does.

No7 Radiance Revealed Exfoliator - A lovely exfoliator that apparently contains natural fruit acids which help sweep away dull skin, brightening it in the process - the grains brush away dead skin cells from the surface, revealing the much brighter skin from underneath. Or so I think. Very true indeed though as this product left my skin soft and fresh.

No7 Purifying Sauna Mask - This clay-like mask heats on contact with water which is what the whole sauna thing is about. Although it targets impurities and blemishes, I feel the drying and tightening aspects of this mask are too harsh for my skin type.

No7 Heavenly Hydration Moisture Mask - This peach coloured whipped cream in a bottle just looks soooo yum. Spread it on and instantly it provides a hydrating quality as well as a feeling of being pampered. Skin is left baby soft. It's a fab treat for tired, thirsty skin - uplifting, invigorating and renewing.

Organix Vanilla Silk Shampoo and Conditioner - Not a two-in-one by the way. I hate two-in-ones, I don't think they provide the same quality that shampoo and conditioners separately would. I am always in hair heaven with Organix, in fact my hair actually thanks me for this indulgence. Organix leaves hair feeling incredibly soft, shiny and silky. What more could you honestly want from your shampoo and conditioner? The result is healthy, glossy, shampoo advert hair And the smell of this product is simply gorgeous. Hair food at its best I claim and you can most certainly quote me on that.

Sarah Jessica Parker Covet eau de parfum spray - I wanted a relatively inexpensive scent for those long working days and this is what fate had in store. SJP is a hu-uge style icon, I mean the woman has such impeccable taste, plus her first fragrance was a complete winner so how could I ever really doubt something created by her Midas touch? There is an abundance of positive reviews about this scent so without being fazed by the scary green concoction I took the plunge and ordered it without batting an eyelid - oh I know, I'm such a daredevil. At first whiff the perfume had a light powdery quality to it which then evolved into some strong repulsive grass-like stench. So much so that I honestly believed that somebody behind me on the bus sneezed because SJP's handiwork had triggered their hayfever. Miss Parker, if I wish to smell like grass then I shall roll around fervently in a field. Am not impressed. At all. Great for nature-lovers, not so much for those that expect their fragrance to smell, let's say, nice. Sorry, is that too great an expectation? Never ever buy perfume that is green. Simple rule really.

Givenchy Very Irresistible Summer Cocktail eau de toilette spray - I have liked Givenchy's original Very Irresistible ever since I received it as a gift very many years ago. It's not exactly a firm favourite but its seductive rose-like scent is something I turn to whenever I fancy an elegant change. The perfume is powerful, commands attention, doesn't fade away and smells swanky so I figured what with summer fast approaching its season appropriate version should be a ideal investment. Summer cocktail - you expect it to be fun, fruity and fresh - I imagined it would smell exactly like if it were to rain Skittles. Oh how amazing it would be if it actually rained Skittles. However the result here is more amateur barman experimenting with random ingredients. There are probably too many aromas at play here. Overall it has a dominant spicy, wood-like scent, not something I would at all associate with summer. Very misleading indeed Givenchy, you cunning charlatans!

* Please note: I am not overpaid, in fact I earn peanuts, I can understand how many may assume from this post that I take home a big, fat wage packet at the end of each month but the truth is that my salary is extremely humble, I am just a sucker for beauty products, and very extravagant and reckless, read: absolutely crap with money.

'Le Fantôme de l'Opéra'

.. or, as in plain ol' English, 'The Phantom of the Opera'. Just sounds so much more alluring and exotic in French though, no? Anyway, I finally managed to quit the dilly dallying and dragged my well-proportioned ass down to Her Majesty's Theatre for the popular gothic tragedy. Before I am met with a resounding series of tutting I must iterate that I have not purposely evaded the musical all my goddamn twenty-eight years, if anything it has evaded me. Honestly. So skipping the done to death plot summaries, here is what I took away from the whole shebang:

• If you don't conform to the physical norm you better make sure you have a talent to offer, something that distracts from your imperfections. A bit like how individuals of a larger variety are expected to be comediens. Or failing that, bubbly. Similarly the Phantom, shielding his disfigurement behind a mask, relies heavily on his musical abilities to prove his worthiness and existence. Lesson: being ugly is hard work.
  

• Society is pretentious full stop. The Phantom is mysterious and dangerous, not to mention immensely talented, for there is something very sexy about a man talented in the arts. Raoul on the other hand I find awfully blah. Yeah okay, maybe he is reliable and all that jazz but nevertheless still very blah. Yet Christine 'picks' him. I would like to believe she sincerely loves him however I prefer the idea that Christine is just shallow and superficial. Lesson: being ugly gets you nowhere. Oh and nice guys don't always finish last.
  

• Christine is, mind my language, a prick-tease. She is the puppet-master. She strings both fellas along with her innocent act of being all indecisive and torn. Aww, poor li'l confused Cwissy eh. Oh she's a wily minx that one. There are those that are adamant that she was in fact under the Phantom's hypnotic trance, that she only ever really played the role of a dutiful student to her mentor - hmmm, not buying it. The passionate woman in Christine quite fancied a bit of rough. It's a classic heart versus head dilemma at play here, Christine goes with the latter, and the inner romantic in me desolately weeps. Lesson: bad boys aren't for life, they're just for flings. Oh and for maximum relationship drama be flirty but flighty, don't be afraid to toy with hearts and never give it up so easy. Guys like to chase. Amen.

• The Phantom is in dire need of a relationship coach, a professional who can help him woo his lady love in a more mild fashion. He starts off well, bless him. At first he's captivating and enigmatic but rapidly proceeds to stalkerish and desperate. Dude, like chill, tone down the intensity. He probably would have managed a home-run had he played it a little cool. Also, gals are not that enthusiastic about murderers and abductors Mr Phantom, criminals are scary not sexy. Lesson: guys try not to be too keen or eager in your pursuit of females. Oh and a persistent obsession is by no means romantic, it is pure derangement, in such scenarios please seek psychiatric help.

... and those are the brilliant life lessons I gathered from the epic love triangle. 'The Phantom of the Opera' - not massively politically correct but a great visual guide to the realm of love and relationships - self-help at its finest I say!

He wants to get married... just not to me

... and that pretty much sums up my last relationship.

I am good enough to date for nearly two years but nowhere near good enough to make an honest woman of. And the reason? The taboo that is religion. Makes me think that maybe atheists have the right idea, and that religion is in fact the root of all evil. I personally hold religion wholly responsible and accountable for my current emotional misery, and if it were a distinct company or organisation I would most certainly sue it for mental anguish and distress.

Religion: different paths that lead to the same God. Each path is like a different social club, each with its different set of rules and regulations, abide and you have a membership for life, each social club competing against the others to increase its membership population - is it about values and beliefs or has it just become a popularity contest like 'Facebook'? Why can't we embrace our similarities instead of pointing out our differences? Why is it so difficult to comprehend that before any other race we are primarily the human race?

It has been almost four months since he abruptly brought about an apocalypse to my world, yanked my head from out of the clouds - I was gliding on a kaleidoscopic kite until he maliciously cut the string and sent me tumbling back to reality. And now he is with another, somebody who he has only known for a matter of a few weeks yet is ready to spend his entire lifetime with - he will brush her windswept hair from her face tenderly with his fingertips, he will wrap his arms affectionately around her like a blanket, call her the most gorgeous and perfect woman in the world just like he used to once upon a time to me. Oh how he fed me lies and how I just obediently swallowed them.

I wonder if she is prettier than me? Or slimmer? Can she love him more than I did? Despite all his faults and flaws I loved him with every single fibre of my being, to me he was more than enough but now I realise that to him I was absolutely nowhere near enough, I just failed to hit the mark. Sometimes you can love someone so much only for them to throw it back in your face, sometimes you can love someone so much but it's just not enough. He has me, the eternal romantic, ironically pondering whether love is in fact enough. I guess sometimes it's just not. It feels like he made a mockery of my love, I can hear cruel laughter echoing in the emptiness. I was blind, I realise now that he was never content, forever reluctant and doubtful, he always kept me at arm's length, refused to let me in.

I wonder, does he think of me? Can he move on that quick? Can he lock away his feelings in a wooden chest, propel it deep in the sea, sealed and buried forever, never to be found again? Will he ever regret his decision? Will he be haunted by memories of me? Or will I just pale into insignificance? One day when he is old and haggard swaying in his rocking chair in a retirement home somewhere, will his thoughts settle on a girl he once moulded dreams with in the most romantic city in the world, whilst they walked hand in hand with eyes only for each other like everything else ceased to exist?

I know the pain will subside. I know there's somebody else out there who needs my love more than him, who deserves my love more than him but until then this affliction is like a splinter - you think it's gone this time but then it starts to hurt again just to remind you that it's still there. Even if it's faint, it's still there.

The past is a foreign country

I was going to get cracking on building one myself since nobody else seemed to be taking the initiative but then I realised that some Physics dude called Ronald Mallet was already on the case so I'm just going to let him do his thing, don't want to cramp his style or steal his thunder or anything. And no, I assure you it's definitely not because I feel my aluminium foil, milk bottle tops and double-sided tape would fall short of the mark.

I'm talking about the mythical and compelling time machine folks. Why in this technology ker-razy age of 3d television sets and talking fridges do we still not have a time machine I ask? Oh and robots? But more so time machines. There are big bucks to be made here, and if Mr Mallet should ever succeed then well, he is without a doubt on to a good thing. I can almost see the dollar signs gleaming in his eyes whilst he laughs maniacally, rubbing his hands profusely. Sir, you are a genuis. Well, almost.

Which leads me to question what would you change had you the rare opportunity, if right now, this very moment, Ronald offered you a free ride on his time-defying vehicle where would you go, the past or the future? And what would you take back? A fashion faux-pas, a dodgy perm, bitter words once exchanged in the heat of the moment, a meaningless fling? Many claim that they live a life devoid of regrets, that had they the chance to relive their lives they would not alter a single damn thing - I call these people unconvincing liars. Dig deep and you will always find something you wish you had done differently.

I am a firm believer of fate and destiny, not just because I am lazy, anti-effort and appreciate it as an excuse to float carefree through this funny thing we call life but because I truly feel 'it is written'. However I can't help wondering whether my life would pan out exactly the same way if I could go back to my past and tweak a little here and there. I can imagine a kind of 'Sliding Doors' type split-screen scenario that parallels my two lives, the current one and the ammended one. Now how cool would that be?

And heartbreak, would I erase all the heartbreak? The quiet, inconsolable sobbing into my pillow those agonising nights, the realisation that promises and dreams were shattered at a nod of the head and lay in some gutter drenched in muddy rain water amongst cigarette butts and crumpled crisps wrappers? Or would I journey to the future to see whether things turned out a-okay? Would I then be disappointed? Would I have to keep experimenting with the whole time and continuity matter à la 'The Butterfly Effect' until I finally achieved my desired ending? Ah, this time machine malarkey is starting to bring on a migraine. Maybe we are better off without such a device. Or maybe we have been duped, the transportation gadget already exists and each moment is continously being modified by its creator without our knowledge. It's a scary thought indeed.

Either way, time travel sure beats public transport, plus it would be fascinating to go back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. A trip to the eighties to erase shell suits would also be in order. As long as the time machine doesn't end up the hands of some evil villain who would abuse it in order to rule the world that is. How do you rule the world anyway, like the whole world? Have always wondered. Maybe we'll find out soon enough eh.

'Sex and the City 2'

Watched it last week and absolutely luh-ved it. There you go, said it, please don't stone me.

I must defend Carrie and the girls, like it's an unspoken responsibility, I feel a sense of loyalty towards them after being such an avid follower of their adventures on the small screen. Critics and mere mortals alike have been rather cruel and harsh in their reviews of the sequel - guys it doesn't claim to be a masterpiece, it's simply pure entertainment and that is exactly what it excels at so enough of the slating please. It is created specially for 'Sex and the City' fans so if you hated the television series then it's advisable you stay at home and stick to some lame-ass 'talent' show instead.

I actually preferred this one to its predecessor. Whereas the first one was more moving and emotional, had more of a plot, more of a storyline, this one was more lively and carefree. In all honesty not much happens but then that's what makes it so brilliant, it's like hanging out the enviable foursome again, nothing complicated or heavy, there are no forced or contrived storylines, this movie is all about fun and frolics in the beautiful Middle East. There is glamour, there is colour, there is luxury. And the outfits, oh the outfits, so utterly fabulous.















There are a few issues the movie touches briefly - the reality and monotony of marriage settles in for Carrie who becomes anxious about preserving the 'sparkle', Samantha is struggling with menopause whilst Charlotte is struggling with motherhood whereas Miranda has career dilemmas. And please don't believe the hype about Smith and Aidan, they only really feature for like two nano-seconds - sorry to disappoint you there and shatter any illusions!


Yes there are many gay and Muslim stereotypes but it's meant to be funny not offensive, I don't understand why everybody is being so uptight all of a sudden. Liza Minnelli's imitation of Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' was absolutely hilarious - I would go watch the film again alone for that reason!

Overall a lighthearted and enjoyable experience. And can people stop hating on Sarah Jessica Parker - okay so she's a tad veiny, and horsey, and yes maybe she's ageing, who cares, I still love her. Sarah Jessica Parker rocks!

Embrace the razor

Beards. I don't quite understand the theory behind them. Now stubble on a man is rather sexy but beards just appear to serve no purpose whatsoever. They should have become extinct after the invention of razors. I don't know, maybe they are like a rug for the face. Do they classify as an accessory?? Is a beard to a man like a bag to our arm or a belt to our waist? Either way, facial furniture is quite frankly ewww.

I don't mean to patronise the bearded population in such a manner - I can almost imagine the beard society gathering on my doorstep with placards screaming 'rot in hell', burning effigies of me whilst angrily voicing the sheer discrimination, injustice and humiliation they have had to endure. Hang on fellas of the bearded variety, it's really not a personal attack, it is more curiosity on my part. Somebody sporting a beard needs to come forth and clarify matters, you know, explain the 'argument for' facial fluff. C'mon bearded dudes, please don't be shy, represent your fellow species.

Also furry-faced mammals, do you shampoo and condition it? Blow-dry or straighten it? Dye it, bead it, plait it, run a little hair gloss through it for a healthy shine? I just want to know the extent of grooming that takes place in order to maintain all that facial hair. Or do you just let it grow unkempt and unruly, free and out of control with a life of its own? Does it then become a whole entity of itself? Does it have a name? All very sincere questions of an inquisitive nature I assure you. Oh and do you play with it in a similiar manner to how I play with my hair, twirling it around my finger? And does this mean you are flirting with me?

A final note: beards, not that great to the human touch either. Not that I have ever touched one or anything. Just an assumption. And yes they say you should never assume and all that blah, blah, blah crap but it's perfectly justified and excused in the realm of all things beard-like.


Far left: Brad not at all razor-shy.
To its right: Brad avec what can only be described as straggly bits of unsightly
growth around the mouth and on the chin area.

To embrace the razor or not, you decide!