When loneliness calls

We are well and truly into December, and there is something about this month that makes you feel ever so lonely if you are single. Even more so than being single on Valentine's Day. It's disheartening having nobody special to exchange pressies with on Christmas Day, having nobody special to kiss as the clock strikes twelve midnight for the New Year. The festive season sucks big time when you are single, at least for me anyway. Sure I have my family and friends but it's winter and I just want somebody who can keep me warm during the freezing weather (no, a scarf and pair of gloves are not quite the same), somebody I can walk hand in hand with through the pretty, magical and oh so fluffy snow. Damn you December, I was doing so well before you came along.

And you just know the loneliness bug has crept up and bitten you hard when you start developing a crush on the least likely of candidates, somebody who you wouldn't even glance twice at if they were to pass you by on the street. The person in question here is some dude at work who is happily married, I presume, with like a dozen kids. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homewrecker or cheap hussy, I am not about to act upon this. Like ever. I do have some morals you know. Oh and an ounce of self-control. It's just weird, here's this guy who is like miles older than me, is not conventionally good-looking, who I actually previously even mildly disliked, and now all of a sudden I find myself strangely drawn to him. Symptoms of loneliness? It has to be.

And it's not like he's a newbie, he's pretty much part of the furniture now. It's not like he's somebody I work closely with either, I barely see him, we don't run in the same circles and have absolutely nothing in common, we don't talk, we don't acknowledge each other, so it makes no sense really. He's not even remotely nice, he is attitude and arrogance personified, the exact opposite of who I would choose to date, the kind of man I would completely steer clear of yet here I am, struggling to keep him out of my fantasies, my eyes eagerly seek him out at work, my mind goes into over-drive thinking about him, I desperately act all nonchalant when I bump into him, praying that my flustered self doesn't betray me. And to be honest, I do actually find this unusual crush rather embarrassing, ridiculous, and nothing short of positively absurd, I would be absolutely mortified if it were to ever find its way out in the open.

But yes, there is something incredibly sexy about him, he's got a little swagger going on, he's also all man, not so much in his physical appearance but in his manner and conduct, his walk, yes, he's definitely got that swagger thing going on. And yes, I do feel an insane amount of guilt for fancying a married man but like I said, and I repeat, it's not like it's going to go any further than that, it is a lust confined within the walls of my mind, which shall never find a moment to wander from within its restriction, it is well aware of its limits and what is out of bounds. Hey, it's okay to look, as long you don't touch right? Besides, my fantasies are my own, I am entitled to them so please don't tut and condemn me to hell. My fantasies are in which there are no boundaries and no rules, my fantasies have no law or code of conduct. And I am well aware that reality never matches up to the fantasy so don't worry, I am not verging on entering dangerous territory. It's not my fault, blame loneliness. That and the serious lack of talent within my workplace. Loneliness makes you lose your sanity, it makes you loopy, loneliness is beguiling, it is almost like a practical joke, loneliness is virtually a mental illness really.

So whilst loneliness envelops me like a blanket at night, and I hug my pillow tight, wallowing in self-pity, remember, when loneliness calls, don't answer.