I was around twelve at the time of the murders, maybe too young to have genuinely cared about the whole incident. That and I wasn't American so it didn't really affect me either. I mean I didn't even know who O.J. was, I understood he was a sports personality of some sort but had no clue as to just how huge of a celebrity and icon he was or the extent to which he was worshipped and adored throughout his nation. David murdering Vicki Becks would be like the modern equivalent. I vaguely remember my dad glued to the 'Trial of the Century', and can only really recall brief excerpts from what was televised, and even then those excerpts are hazy and insufficient. I knew that the general consensus was that he was blatantly guilty, and that there was much evidence that collaborated with this opinion, including something about blood and what not but despite all this he had ultimately been acquitted.
It was more than apparent that my knowledge was limited on the whole matter and so I turned towards Google to help fill me in on the actual facts. All the information I found was overwhelming, I was completely astonished at just how scarce I had known to start with, and I could clearly see how it was a trial that had everybody gripped, I mean it had me gripped and this too fifteen years later. I will not get into the specifics, most people either know or have a means through which to do so. I found this site very handy. Pretty much everything from a to z is presented here, and in much detail too. I was shocked to learn that it wasn't just Nicole that was murdered that evening, and that the evidence found extended beyond just a little blood here and there - all the evidence found, and believe me there was plenty, was without a shadow of a doubt wholly damning, and yet somehow, thanks to his 'dream team', O.J. managed to get off the hook. I couldn't comprehend how this could have been feasible, everything had acutely pointed towards the defendant, were the jury just a bunch of dense dimwits or was there something I was missing, maybe O.J. was innocent after all. My take on it all was fresh and I just didn't know what to believe.
The prosecution depicted O.J. as a jealous and raging ex-husband who struggled to come to terms with the fact that Nicole was moving on with her life, apparently he couldn't handle the thought of her with other men, this had been the proposed motive, a crime of passion they suggested. He naturally rejected the idea as absurd, and to be honest I wasn't actually all that sold, I imagine O.J. could have had his pick of women, he supposedly had a girlfriend at that moment in time too, I couldn't quite picture him as an infatuated psycho who was utterly consumed with his ex-wife, it just refused to fit the bill. At this point it was obvious O.J. had committed the murders but I wanted to know why. What drives a rich and successful celebrity to potentially throw away all that they have worked so hard for their entire life in a moment of madness? What had not only taken him right to the edge but had also completely pushed him over it? What did truly transpire that fateful night? I had so many questions, and that's when I spotted something that I thought may help shed light on the subject - 'If I Did It'.
It is an account straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak. O.J. penned this autobiographical text in which he volunteered a hypothetical scenario of the murders, you know, like a 'I didn't do it but if I did then here's how it probably would've happened'. You what?! I know, it's just plain ker-razy, in fact it's way off the ker-razy meter. But that's right, here he was submitting an insight into that infamous night of homocide whilst cashing in on his notoriety at the same time. Needless to say the public were disgusted and the high level of criticism received meant the book was withdrawn. However, the majority considered it a confession of his guilt. O.J. was later found liable for the wrongful death of Goldman and battery against Brown in a civil trial, and ordered to pay an impossibly large sum to the Goldman family in damages, blah blah blah, which they failed to collect, blah blah blah, and so the rights of this book were handed over to the Goldman family as compensation. Yes, they re-packaged it with a prologue and afterword but the main text remains unaltered and true to what O.J. had dictated and verified.So what do I honestly make of it? In the words of the man himself, it "is a love story, too. And, like a lot of love stories, it doesn't have a happy ending". I knew from the onset that the source lacked the reliability factor but I still wanted to acknowlege his version of events. Yes, he glosses over the domestic abuse and paints himself as a patient and understanding husband, revealing his growing concern for Nicole's erratic and wild behaviour, and although I feel characters are slightly manipulated and exaggerated here, like a caricature version of themselves, there is also an element of truth underneath there somewhere too. O.J. elaborately discusses the passionate and tempestuous relationship he shared with Nicole which makes for an enthralling read. Although people firmly regard this a means through which to ease his guilty conscience, I don't think it was intended to be a confession at all, it's not a 'if I did it' but more of a 'why I did it', an explanation of some sort. I understand O.J. was probably furious at being portrayed as a bully and wife-beater by the media, that his once charistmastic and charming image had been tarnished, and I expect he wanted to put things right, to tell the world that Nicole herself was no angel - I presume this part fact, part fiction concoction was his key to redemption.
Nicole is illustrated as troubled, confused and difficult, showing strong signs of some form of personality disorder. I know this is O.J.'s personal interpretation and cannot be heavily credited but I feel aspects of his accounts are genuine and highlight the real Nicole. He mentions an infidelity on her part, and admits the separation was her decision, something he had not been keen on but supported as "she was adamant: she wanted to take a break from the marriage". Apparently the separation had been about "finding herself", O.J. claims he pursued her during their break, "determined to make it work", but ultimately knew the marriage was over and "it was time to move on" when his estranged wife confessed she had met a guy she was "pretty crazy about", he insists he never once romantically sought after her following this revelation.
It is when O.J. stops chasing her and starts to focus on his own love life, that Nicole becomes desperate and needy, bombarding him with "more and more frequent, even obsessive" phone calls, we are told her behaviour begins to interfere with his new relationship. There are various 'admissions' from Nicole throughout the text where she assumes full responsibility for the failure of their relationship, explaining she had become "so unhappy and so bitchy", that depression and loss of self-confidence had all been underlying factors to the demise of their marriage. O.J. is quick to imply that Nicole is solely to blame, indirectly of course. Not buying it O.J. - sure I can see how Nicole contributed to many of the problems and rifts but I can't see him quite as innocent as he would like us to believe. Nice try though.
It is shortly after their divorce is finalised that Nicole openly expresses her continued love for her ex-husband, persisting that she has "come a long way in therapy", that she has "changed", and manages to coerce him to give their relationship another final attempt, this is done on a year long trial basis. Nicole fails to successfully suppress her volatile personality during this period. If O.J. is frank and forthright in his description of Nicole here then it is quite simply disturbing and scary, especially the chapter titled 'The Two Nicoles'. She is portrayed as an unreasonable and demanding dragon of a woman. It is here that I actually began to sympathise with O.J. I know I can't just simply take his word for it but it does seem that Nicole was anything but a piece of cake. O.J. also remarks that Nicole was partying with the wrong crowd and possibly getting embroiled in the world of drugs - this, he feels, would explain her unpredictable mood swings. He further insinuates that the double murder could have been drugs-related. Of course he is trying to pass the buck here but it doesn't for a second mean she wasn't involved with illegal substances and associated with poor company.
By this point it was determined that whatever relationship they had was well and truly over for good, Nicole felt they hadn't "tried harder", that they "could have done better", she was still crazy about her ex-husband but he desperately wanted to distance himself from her yet was unable to because "if you've got kids, you're stuck with that person for the rest of your life". O.J. apparently grew increasingly concerned about Nicole's deteriorating behaviour and the effect this would consequently have on his kids. Yes there is no justification for murder but I feel this is partly was caused O.J. to snap, from what I gather he was trapped, Nicole was a whirlwind of crazy that he just couldn't control, he "was sick of dealing with Nicole's crap" and tired of getting"drawn into Nicole's bullshit and drama". The prospect of living the rest of his life this way probably took him right to that edge, and something that he witnessed that night when paying his ex-wife a visit probably pushed him completely over it. This of course is only my opinion based on how I have perceived his memoirs. O.J. declared "I wasn't going to let her take me down with her", she had become the root of all his problems, something he had to eliminate. I mean I don't believe for a second that he had planned the slaughter, something had to have provoked him that night but in hindsight I could envision how murdering her would have been the ideal solution to all his predicaments. Goldman on the other hand was just a case of wrong person at the wrong time.
The supposed 'confession' itself is very strange, I really do not know what to make of this hypothetical "night in question", even O.J. himself had no idea, labelling it "a very bad dream". He is rather generous with information yet stingy with it all at the same time. What we do digest is that he was already in a "lousy mood" due to further rumours about Nicole and her reckless lifestyle, and fuming that she "was making everything as difficult as possible" for him, especially in relation to access concerning the kids. Along with his companion, Charlie, he decides to "scare the shit out that girl", insisting that his intention had been to just "talk to the girl" - "I'm tired of being the understanding ex-husband. I have my kids to think about... this shit's been eating away at me forever, and it's got to stop. I want to get on with my fucking life. I've got to get this under control".
He approaches Nicole's property, and is furious to find "candles burning inside" and "faint music playing", "it was obvious Nicole was expecting company. I wondered who the fuck it was this time. I wondered if maybe Faye was coming over with some of her toy-boys so they could all get wild and dirty while my kids were sleeping upstairs". O.J. is "seriously steamed" at this point, and then who should happen to step up on the scene - that's right, Goldman, who allegedly "came by to return a pair of glasses" that Nicole's mother had earlier left at a restaurant he worked at as a waiter. O.J. brands him a "fucking liar", convinced that Goldman is not only the lover Nicole is awaiting but is in addition also here "delivering drugs" , she steps out in "a slinky little cocktail dress" which doesn't help matters any further. 'Charlie', whom I assume upon hearing all the commotion, comes rushing to the scene, conveniently with a knife in hand. O.J. and Nicole exchange heated words, she feels it is her house and she is allowed to do as she wishes, he demands not in front of the children, she comes flying at him "like a banshee, all arms and legs, flailing", loses balance and takes a pretty rough fall, "her head hitting the ground". Goldman meanwhile assumes O.J. is about to take a swipe at him and gets into a "little karate stance", "circling me, bobbing and weaving" he recalls. This angers O.J. to the point of no return, he grabs the knife from Charlie's hand and taunts Goldman "show me how tough you are".
He offers little detail on the actual physical violence, there is no gruesome description of the murders here, instead he explains "then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can't tell you exactly how...I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet... the whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn't compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt? I was more confused than ever... I had never seen so much blood in my life. It didn't seem real, and none of it computed. What the fuck happened here? Who had done this? And why? And where was I when this shit went down?". Had he been possessed or was he just in major case of denial? Charlie, throughout the entire episode is the voice of reason, trying to urge O.J. away from the scene before he regrets anything (he was obviously unsuccessful at the task, flat out failed miserably some may even add), many doubt Charlie's authenticity, he would have come forth by now if he truly existed. I honestly don't know what I make of this Charlie character and the role he plays, was he just O.J.'s conscience, why did he even feel the need to create an accomplice?
What makes this chapter truly bizarre is that prior to it O.J. is unrelenting of his innocence, then along comes this section in which he strongly hints at his guilt but as soon as the chapter ends he quickly reverts back to maintaining his innocence. It's all very 'I didn't do it, okay, I may have done it, nope, I really didn't do it'. Does he even know himself?! I wonder if he was under the influence of any substances that evening because it seems viable and would explain his incoherent frame of mind.
I figured 'If I Did It' would answer all my questions but instead it just raises a whole set of new ones. It ends at his arrest and is therefore cut short, unfortunately we don't get his take on the trial which is a shame because that would have been nothing short of compelling. I guess I would say I am absolutely, ninety-nine percent convinced that the man is indeed guilty as there is far too much vital evidence to dismiss, including his odd 'confession' but there is that slight one percent that still bugs me. I guess I will never know what really happened but then I suppose the one-time legend and sporting hero doesn't know either.
I cannot rest until I study and investigate this further so stay tuned folks. I did say it had become an obsession, think of it as my new project.
P.S. I will never fully understand how one human being can just stab another in a very nonchalant manner. Okay so murder itself is undeniably pretty horrific but if the weapon is a gun at least I can get my head around it, you pull the trigger and shoot, it is rather like using any regular piece of technology. A knife however, that requires a physical motion, it requires great impact, it would take a complete beast to pick up a knife and furiously jab it into the flesh of a living being so that it is fatal enough to penetrate deep through the skin and into vital organs. It just makes me shudder, I mean I feel uneasy just holding a knife to cut vegetables. O.J. inflicted multiple deep wounds to his victims, it was not merely a case of 'oh my hand just slipped', he made certain that he mutilated them plentiful so that there was no chance of survival on their part, whether this was deliberate or just an manic act we shall never know. Either way there is no justification for the extent of violence he dispensed. A comphrehensive account of his deranged frenzy is offered here - beware, it is both disgusting and disturbing.
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