Never Let Me Go

Despite what they say, this is not a sci-fi flick. The underlying secondary plot is a tad sciencey but it is definitely not a sci-fi flick so do not expect the likes of robots, time machines or dinosaurs. You shall be massively disappointed if you do. Adapted from Kazuo Ishiguro's novel of the same name, it is more so a love triangle, lingering on unrequited love for the most part whilst the the supporting storyline comes into play.

Kathy, Tommy and Ruth (portrayed by Carey Mulligan, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley respectively) are three children living a seemingly carefree childhood at Hailsham, a boarding school in 1950s England, until one grim day the harsh reality of their existence is revealed to them - they will reach adulthood to serve their implemented purpose, the role for which they were specifically created, clones constructed precisely for organ donation. Not clear whether the children fully understand their destiny, their innocence and quiet acceptance is what makes it all the more disheartening.

Throughout their time at Hailsham the gentle, observant Kathy and the shy, awkward Tommy appear to share a genuine and rather touching friendship, with a glimmer of potentially blossoming into a tender romance, hopes of which are dashed when Ruth intervenes and seizes Tommy for herself. Their relationship, unfortunately for Kathy, is not short-lived, and continues for the remainder of Hailsham and further into their time at 'The Cottages', a place where they are shifted to along with others of their designer race. Kathy's longing and unspoken love for Tommy is all too real and crushing, and eventually with Ruth continuously flaunting their relationship to her and mercilessly taunting her, Kathy settles upon becoming a 'carer', an option for clones to prolong their fate by nursing others of their kind as they fulfil their duty as organ donors. Kathy sets out to embark upon her new responsibility whilst Ruth and Tommy's relationship ceases, and so all three companions drift apart.

Many years later, for it is now the eighties, the three are subsequently reunited. Kathy is now frail and feeble as a result of her two donations, she believes she has one left to go before she reaches 'completion', a term for a clone's imminent death. Tommy too is fragile after his donations but remains forever upbeat and optimistic. Ruth, wrecked with guilt at 'stealing' Tommy from Kathy due to jealousy and a fear of being left alone, wishes to atone and redeem herself before her death, and so has managed to procure the address of 'Madame' who she believes has the power of providing the ever elusive 'deferral' - it is assumed couples in love can apply for this 'deferral' as a means through which to extend their already limited lives for a short period.

As Ruth 'completes' on her third and final donation, Kathy and Tommy, armed with many pieces of his art, make plans to visit this 'Madame', who used to own 'The Gallery' at Hailsham. They gather his art is the key to assisting 'deferral' in their favour, a solid way of proving that their love is authentic. Upon reaching the address, Kathy and Tommy are greeted by 'Madame' as well as their former headmistress, and further with the cruel truth that there is no such thing as a 'deferral', it has always simply just been a rumour, 'The Gallery' existed as a forum through which to challenge the ethics of cloning - a vehicle for exhibiting the reality that clones too have a soul. Kathy and Tommy leave dejected, the latter dies soon after whilst the former learns that her first donation is impending.

First and foremost, let's discuss what is wrong with the movie. The fact that nobody questions their fate or rebels against the system. They just silently accept their situation and willingly accomplish their expectations. There is no fight, no resistance, just compliance and cooperation. Whilst at Hailsham, the children are fed scary tales of what may happen should they loiter beyond the boundaries. At 'The Cottages', although they must clock in and out via their identity tag bracelets, they are pretty much free to roam around at their leisure so it is not understood why they always return. Why do they choose to abide by the rules when there is a distinct lack of strict regiment? Not once does there appear to be any form of aggressive authority that they should undoubtedly fear so it is unclear as to why they all remain so passive.

Also, Tommy doesn't make for a very convincing object of affection in the love triangle. Too weak-willed and vulnerable, he is not your regular dashing and charming romantic lead. However, perhaps this is what makes him an easy target for somebody controlling and manipulative like Ruth, and what makes him so irresistible for a nurturer like Kathy. I particularly don't care for the idea that Ruth 'stole' Tommy. Kathy and Tommy were never involved to begin with, and even if they were you can't steal a person from another. He was fair game as far as I'm concerned, yes Ruth had her own motives for seducing Tommy but he was pretty ready and willing so it is not entirely rational to condemn her actions alone. Oh and Kathy's hair is just so horrid throughout the movie, especially her fringe, to the point where it is just so distracting that I couldn't seem to focus on anything else, truly mesmerising for the wrong reasons. And a massive ewwww for Keira and her skeletal ways. I really don't need to elaborate any further on that one.

The bleak, dystopian world the clones experience allows the ethics of cloning to be addressed subtly and indirectly. It must be remembered that the cloning here is for medical purposes - the replacement of organs - not for any other selfish or threatening reason. And by ethics I refer to the more non-religious aspect of it. Considered as providers of spare parts and as second-class citizens, the clones are thought of as a somewhat intermediate of humans and say, robots, illustrated well in the scene where Ruth 'completes' - the surgeons extract the organ they desire and then immediately clear the operating theatre as she dies, without once acknowledging her at all, so cold and heartless that it is almost ironic in the sense that the clones are able to actually muster up more sensitivity and sentiment than their original carbon copies. Just because they are formulated in a laboratory doesn't make them any less human, which is the message 'The Gallery' at Hailsham stands to convey. The clones have emotions, something which sets them apart from robots, and it is these emotions the movie focuses on - from Tommy's rages to his positivity and hope, from Kathy's sympathy to her pain of unrequited love, from Ruth's jealousy and fear of loneliness to her guilt - a rainbow of emotions are presented to show that the clones are human through their ability to feel. What then makes it right to create a life in order to later destroy it for the sake of another?

Although the general mood is dismal and gloomy, the main essence of the movie is to display optimism. This is probably why the clones tend to grin and bear their circumstances. Tommy's attitude demostrates this well, he is able to remain cheerful and idealistic despite his evident deterioration. None of the clones seem to fear their fate, Ruth even welcomes her 'completion' whilst Kathy is remarkably brave despite all that she has seen as a carer and all that she has lost in her life. Passive they may well be but they display an inner strength which maybe derives from becoming detached from their bitter reality and dismissing it as something trivial and matter of fact. As the movies draws to a close, Kathy is grateful and "lucky to have had any time with" her love, and ponders whether the life of a clone is really any different from the ones of those that they save through organ donation, for "we all complete" she concludes. And that is true for death is natural, inevitable, and all in all life's ultimate goal.

Lush Ush-er

When I heard last year that my darling Usher was heading over to this side of the pond in February 2011 I was ecsastic. Oh and by heading over here I mean not like for a holiday or anything, I'm talking about his OMG tour. I attached myself to a computer the minute tickets for his first London o2 Arena date went for sale on Ticketmaster, niftily and vey impatiently keying in my requirements, searching repeatedly for a pair of decent seats but to no avail. Within a matter of moments his date was sold out. Determined to nab Usher tickets, I figured I'd have to resort to another venue like Birmingham, Liverpool or Manchester, even Glasgow or Dublin if need be, so luckily for me he added another London date, for which I had to fight tooth and nail but I got in there - Thursday 3rd February - I'm there baby! Then he added another date. A more convenient one as it was meant to be in my week off. Arrrrgh! And no, that's not pirate talk. So there I was again on Ticketmaster, being nosy when they happened to add another date, right there and then, and unable to resist as better seats kept cropping up, I found myself with another set of tickets. It's okay though right, it's Usher, I could go twice. Except my week off was not that week like I had assumed, it was actually the following week. Arrrrgh! And then he added one final date, like in my real, actual week off. Arrrrgh! By this time I was majorly peeved off with the mighty Usher and his poxy method of adding dates.

So a little about my relationship with Usher before I launch straight into my experience of the concert itself. I'm not an Usher fan, not in the true sense of the word for I don't consider myself a fanatic, nope, not an Usher extremist or an Usher devotee, I simply appreciate the guy in a very mild-mannered form. And it's nothing to do with the fact that he's absolutely delicious and delectable, although that does help a fair bit. He's somebody who musically you can completely bank on, ever since like day one. Fair enough there are plenty whom will beg to differ on this opinion of mine but to me it doesn't get any safer than Usher, I am guaranteed to like anything he does, musically that is, not on the loo or anything. Sure he's a bit of a hoe but dude has an amazing voice, is an amazing dancer, has an amazing sense of style, an amazing body... see a pattern emerging? Yeah I can pretty much go on for a while. Okay, so maybe I am a bit of a fan after all. It's that smile that gets me the most though, them dimples, ah man, they're killing me. You see, I'm quite the sucker for dimples. On a man that is. Dimples on a man are cute and sexy all at the same time. Dimples on a man make me come over all weak. Dimples on a man truly make me melt. Dimples on a man are my kryptonite. I swear, they will be the death of me. Anyway so enough Usher gushing, let's get on with his performance. On stage you filthy folk, not between the sheets.

Usher Round One
Date: Thursday 3rd February 2011
Location: o2 Arena, North Greenwich
Seating: Level One - Block 110, Row X

Got off to a bad start after a Jubilee tube fiasco, something about some selfish passenger deciding to fall ill, resulting in services being suspended exactly where we were heading. I figured it was just somebody who couldn't get hold of Usher tickets and felt 'well if I can't go then neither can anybody else'. Fair enough. To be honest, I'd be exactly the same. We joined forces with some random girls who convinced us to catch a cab with them down to the venue, and then there was some random middle-aged bloke who was practically forcing his spare block A, right-at-the-front ticket on us. Didn't quite have him down as an Usher fan but hey, let's not make presumptions or discriminate, besides there's plenty of Usher to go around. Quite literally.

By the time we finally made it to The o2 I was gagging for a drink, the strong kind. Unfortunately time did not allow us the luxury to hit The Blueroom Bar like we has originally intended to. Damn you, you ill passenger on the tube. I had to make do with drinks from inside the arena which were naturally extortionate but I knew this from the previous times I had been here before anyway, so nothing of a truly shocking nature really. Tinchy Stryder was the support act which I was surprised by, was expecting somebody more important. Sorry Tinchy but it's Usher, he should have a grand opening act. I know this is very unpatriotic of me but I'm not very enthusiatic about British acts, they are not quite as polished as their American counterparts. Tinchy however was alright you know, and I should really be grateful that it wasn't somebody like N'Dubz whom I hate with a passion. And hate is definitely not a strong word in this instance. Oh and Dappy, am not scared of you, what you going to do, verbally abuse and threaten me down the phone?! Anyway, Tinchy was very prompt, he came on exactly at eight like scheduled and did his allocated twenty minutes, can't fault the boy on his punctuality. Same thing cannot be said for the main man himself though. I suppose he was trying to be fashionably late or something - do people still even do that, haven't they outgrown it already? Bit try-hard really. Not saying that I'm always on time, I'm always late actually but not fashionably, more tragically.

So Usher was just slightly taking the piss, I was pretty bored at this stage and almost ready to personally drag him out from his dressing room. The crowd at this point were entertaining themselves with The Mexican Wave, followed by collectively chanting 'Usher' in a bid to make him appear. I was secretly hoping they would start booing so that he would emerge in order to save his reputation. When he finally arrived the audience went wild, and I just breathed a sigh of relief. Usher's talent could not be faulted - his vocals and moves were on top form which was a pretty 'in your face' to everybody who slagged off his 'X-Factor' performance. There was a lot of stripping too which was more than a-okay for me. In fact I spent the entire concert screaming 'take it off, take it off'. And my, what a body he has. I did feel fairly sorry for the blokes in the audience who probably felt a tad uncomfortable and inadequate with all the disrobing but jeez, get over it fellas.

Usher paid a miniscule tribute to Michael. Jackson that is, not Bolton or Bublé because that would have been strange. These glittery shoes appeared on a conveyor belt and there was a cheesy "do I have your permission to fill these shoes?" moment at which point the music of 'Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough' began and Usher, clad in a very 'Thriller' type red and black leather jacket, displayed some fancy footwork, including the legendary moonwalk. The entire scene was just a taster, a tease even, and left me rather disappointed - I wanted more, more dancing, singing as well please but I suppose his acknowledgement to the King of Pop who was meant to have entertained at The o2 with his 'This Is It' was better than nothing at all. There was also the traditional 'pull a fan on stage' manoeuvre, he ran indecisively back and forth for so long that I was like pick somebody already. Eventually he settled on someone who suspiciously looked very much like one of his dancer chicks. She definitely had been planted in the audience because she was too groomed and in shape to be a regular member of the crowd, and to add to that she was far too confident and all freaky-like when doing her thing to 'Trading Places' - she was grinding all over on top of him with ease, cowgirl style, am thinking any ordinary girl would have been too embarrassed, this looked like it had been rehearsed. Oh and her pants kept falling down for a bit of builder's bum syndrome, which is exactly why I'm not a fan of low-rise bottoms. And I swear when they were done and the next track came on, she was there, on stage, dancing in the background. Not fooled Usher, not fooled.

The guy has a lot of material, and he provided a wide range of it, from old classics to recent hits. Now I'm more into his earlier music, I'm talking 'My Way' and '8701' so I was chuffed when he greeted us with songs from these albums. Although am not sure many younger people around me recognised these very well because they looked somewhat confused and failed to sing along. Something was missing from the concert, I couldn't pinpoint it but maybe it was the atmosphere, I had been to Ne-Yo at Wembley Arena the previous year, and Chris Brown at The o2 the year before that, and the atmosphere had been absolutely electric then. Not saying the crowd were bemused and inattentive but I did seem to be surrounded by a few people who were quite unimpressed - there were a lot of girls who had dragged their boyfriends to the concert despite their protests I expect. I had such a couple sitting right next to me, the girl was enthusiastic and just generally over the moon to be there, she kept tugging at her boyfriend who remained glued to his seat for the most part with a pained expression on his face, he so wanted to be watching the footie at his local pub. Then there was a mixed group of youngsters in front of me, and halfway through one lad whipped out his mobile and proceeded on occupying himself with games on it. That's right, he was playing games on his phone at an Usher concert! How ungrateful! Incidents like that served to dampen my evening because they derailed the atmosphere slightly.

Also, and I really don't want to be negative about Usher but the guy seemed a little bored. I imagine he has done all this several times over during his entertaining life, and that there isn't much scope or diversity involved now but he did look like he was just going through the motions, very much like you would with your job if you hated it, quietly wishing for the working day to be over so you could go home. There was a distinct lack of passion, that specific interaction with the crowd, I don't know, I could be wrong but it was all too rehearsed that it left no room for his personality to shine through. He did manage to come alive, along with every single damn person in the audience (including bloke longing for a pint at the pub), on the finalé number - 'Oh My Gosh' - possibly because he knew he was literally seconds away from the end. Ah Usher, I do apologise if I'm too critical - hey, still, at least you looked good baby.

Usher Round Two
Date: Friday 18th February 2011
Location: o2 Arena, North Greenwich
Seating: Floor - Block B3, Row B

Missed half of Tinchy's set - awwww, what a shame. Don't know why I say that because ickle Tinchy is really not that bad. Bless him. I was half-expecting The Biebster to put in an appearance, what with him being in Town to promote his new flick - yes, the kid now has his own movie, documenting his rise to fame. For the record, there was no sign of him at all. I was thoroughly disappointed. Still, I was in the mood to party due to the copious amount of cocktails I had downed in preparation for Usher. He was late again but the crowd did not seem to mind so much this time around, maybe because it was Friday and many people did not have work the next day. Too bad for the ones who did - oh well.

This is the first time I've had floor seating for any event. The atmosphere here was dynamic, people were real hyper and determined to have a blast, which is not something I could say for some of the ones I spied along the edges. This dude in front of me was very merry if you know what I mean, he kept grabbing strangers, urging them to dance. So floor versus level one, what's the deal? Honestly, I would stick with level one. Floor seating is pretty cramped, the seats are temporary and therefore not as comfortable, not that you are spending much of the evening sitting down but no drink holders folks. Level one seating has drink holders which may seem like such a small amenity but really makes a huge difference guys. Also, with everybody standing up it can be difficult to see all the events unfolding on stage, especially for somebody of a short stature like myself - my vision kept being obstructed by various bopping heads. Level one is graduated so there is no such issue there. It's all about the viewpoint though, floor seating is directly central and so ideal whereas level one is more one-sided. There are pros and cons with both really. You decide.

Usher's routine was pretty much the same really, no variation from what I could recall. His 'pull a fan on stage' routine seemed more genuine on this particular occasion. The girl he selected came across as fazed, unlike the previous one who had been all casual and laid-back. There were no sexy moves from this one, at one point she was even blushing but for the most part she was beaming from side to side, you couldn't wipe that smile off her face. Lucky bitch!

It's rather odd but I preferred round two to round one. Even though I'd already seen the entire thing before, and not so long ago, it was more enjoyable the second time. I don't know whether it was down to the alcohol content rushing through me or the dynamic mood ringing through my section, whatever it was, it was good stuff. Fo' shizzle.

Black Swan

Creepy. Disturbing. Erratic. Haunting. A few words that spring to mind. It is also a Media Studies' student's dream, what with its heavy and clever use of cinematography, themes and symbolism.

Natalie Portman's awkward Nina is vying for the lead role of 'Swan Lake' alongside Mila Kunis' more edgy Lily after the director, Vincent Cassel's Thomas, decides to dismiss his regular star, Winona Ryder's ageing artiste Beth, with the intention to replace her with somebody more young and fresh. How's that for a one sentence summary eh?

Thomas, who is a complete twat by the way, is torn between the two candidates - the chosen ballerina should be able to portray the dual role of the innocent white swan and the more seductive black swan, and whilst Nina's virginal demeanor is ideal as the former, Lily's sensuality is perfect for the latter (Kunis has a very Rachel 'Summer from The O.C.' Bilson vibe about her - thought I'd just share this observation with you folks). After a glimmer of potential from Nina, Thomas selects her for the coveted role, Lily naturally becomes her understudy. As Thomas urges Nina to discover her 'darker' side, she finds herself descending into a mad state of paranoia, delusion and hallucinations with devastating consequences.

The dual nature of black and white is the most prominent theme throughout the movie. Right from the onset Nina is troubled and tormented by her alter ego or twin, the 'darker' aspect of her personality. Nina envisions her 'darker' side in others - either as reflections or as they morph into her. Her mirror reflections begin to move separately - another way in which this 'darker' side of hers presents itself. Nina is supressed by her domineering and suffocating mother who treats her like a child, so much so that she even dresses her "sweet girl" and tucks her into bed at night. Nina's bedroom rings true as that of a little girl's, it is full of baby pink hues and sprinkled with a generous helping of soft toys, it seems as if she is inhibited, preserved as a girl, forbidden from transcending into womanhood. Nina is kept uncorrupted and 'white' due to her mother's controlling behaviour, this comes into conflict as sleazebag Thomas encourages her to eradicate her frigid disposition and experience her 'darker' side through sex, and furthermore as Lily introduces her to a world of alcohol, drugs and casual sex. These two states of being - black and white - clash and collide as Nina's mother desperately tries to maintain her hold on her sexually repressed daughter whilst Nina's 'darker' side unleashes itself through rebellion motivated by both Thomas and Lily.


Nina becomes increasingly paranoid that Lily is out to sabotage her performance in the hope to steal her role. Admittedly we are aware that Nina suffers from mental health issues which escalate as the pressure of performing does but despite this reality Lily is a difficult character to gauge - does she genuinely offer friendship to her rival or is it simply just a ploy to ruin her competition? Is Lily even real or just a figment of Nina's deranged mental state? We see Lily materialise one evening on Nina's doorstep, dragging her out to a club to unwind after a tough day's rehearsals. At first this seems like a friendly gesture. Nina is reluctant to stay out late but Lily is persistent, thrusting alcohol, drugs and men onto an apprehensive Nina - upon returning from the toilets Nina spies Lily spiking her drink at which point Lily's true intentions become apparent. Despite this Nina welcomes the spiked drink and the rest of the night is huge techno blur of flashing lights, resulting in Nina inviting Lily back home where they indulge in some lesbian action. The next morning Nina is late for practice and arrives at the studio to find that none other than Lily has replaced her for rehearsals. She blames Lily for not waking her in the morning, convinced that it was all a strategy on her understudy's part in order to make her miss rehearsals and so appear incompetent, uncommitted and undedicated in the eyes of Thomas, to which Lily reveals that she went home not with Nina but one of the men she met the previous night. It is not clear whether Lily is honest here or actually messing with Nina's mind but there is a lot that suggests Lily is altogether just Nina's alter ego in a 'Fight Club' kind of way, in which case Lily represents the 'darker' side of her, the side that is desperate to break free. At one point during the sex scene Nina finds herself staring back at her instead of Lily - as Lily looks up, it is her own face she sees in place of Lily's. Towards the end she stabs Lily who is dressed as the black swan, and yet again during the tussle Lily morphs into Nina, and although Nina believes she has murdered her adversary, it is eventually disclosed that in actuality she has in fact managed to stab herself. Convinced Lily is out to destroy her, Nina imagines Thomas and Lily embroiled in zealous sex, this of course is not the case, but perhaps here it is Nina whom is actually involved in the sexual activity ocurring, if indeed it is real, which it is not implied to be. Either way, it is Nina who harbours sexual feelings for Thomas, she thrives to make herself his "little princess". These three occasions indicate that like 'Fight Club' Lily may well be Nina's alter ego, everything she admires and wishes she could be herself but struggles to due to her smothered existence. This rings true in relation to the episode where Thomas presents Lily to Nina, highly regarding the passion and emotion she has for her art. Although Nina has perfected her technique, she is devoid of the fervor Lily exhibits, Lily is able to feel which is a quality Nina lacks, a quality she aims to garner. Therefore it is easy to understand exactly why Nina would envy Lily, she is what Nina would probably like to mould herself into, and thus she is possibly just the alter-ego she projects - the blend of character and personality she hungers to be.

As the movie progresses, Nina begins to embrace her 'darker' side to the extent where it accelerates in power and aggression. It feeds on all the negativity which stems as a result of Nina's stifled lifestyle. Soon enough Nina is able to pluck a black feather out of the rash (or rather scratching wounds that she inflicts upon herself) she is plagued with, her legs contort into the shape of a swan's, her eyes turn red, her feet become webbed, and as she confidently and passionately dances the Black Swan the final act of transformation takes place - she begins to sprout black feathers all over her body and her arms mutate into black wings - she has become the Black Swan. Or rather her 'darker' side has completely prevailed and triumphed. Makes absolute sense seeing as she has just eliminated the white swan aspect of her dual personality - the black swan conquers the white swan in order to excel and gain ultimate control.

This movie is littered with mirrors, in fact not a scene passes by without the presence of a mirror. Reflections serve to emphasise the dual nature at play whereas the mirrors themselves are also connected with the idea of appearance and reality - from the complicated character of Lily to Nina's hallucinations and gradual transformation, it is tough to distinguish whether what appears on the screen is actually real or not. The movie thrives on ambiguity. It is then rather fitting that the white swan is eradicated with a shard of glass from a broken mirror.

Another valid point is made via the washed-up and exhausted Beth, once Thomas' prime choice she is now disregarded in favour of a fledgling ballerina - the fickle and superficial world of entertainment it seems. As with all performing arts, we realise just how sad and lonely their existence is, what with nobody to call a true friend, having to question the motives of everybody you come across, people ready and willing to stab you in the back, nobody you can place your trust in - it seems the path to fame is a walk alone. You will find that none of the characters in 'Black Swan' appear to maintain any type of healthy relationship in their lives, any relationships they attempt to form are inconsistent and unstable. Attaining perfectionism is also a key trait of these entertainers, this along with the immense pressure to perform is what contributes to Nina's downfall. She is consumed with acquiring this perfection - "I just want to be perfect" she longs. Beth is on the opposite end of the spectrum now - " Perfect? I'm not perfect. I'm nothing" - we imagine that Beth too was once like Nina, idealistically yearning for this inaccessible perfection only to finally realise that it was never once in reach. Beth in a way represents Nina's fate, the fate of all entertainers even. Striving for perfection marks the beginning of Nina's breakdown. Such is her dedication to her art that she, unbeknownst to herself, commits suicide in order to 'feel' the moment, the death of the white swan is real, here we are presented with method acting on a whole new level. And as the audience break into a resounding applause and much acclaim in praise of her stunning performance, a dying Nina is surrounded by her cast and crew but according to her it seems her death is not in vain or at a cost too high, "I felt it. Perfect. I was perfect" - Nina is content because she achieved the perfection she sought even if it was only for the duration of one show.

What's the story, Soap & Glory?

So I only just discovered that Soap & Glory also do skincare - how comes nobody told me eh?? I like Soap & Glory, more so for its retro 1950s theme, its sense of humour, fun and use of witty puns rather than its actual products. And because I have only just come across their skincare range, I just had to have it all. A little greedy I know but I couldn't decide where to start. I was pretty much like a kid in a candy store. When faced with a new brand I struggle to whittle down the products available, it's like out of the gazillion moisturisers which one should I pick, oh and if I'm going to select the face wash then I really should have the face scrub too, and the face exfoliator, and the face mask. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Not so good for a decision shy person like myself.

Just for the record, the following are not all the skincare products that Soap & Glory offer, I couldn't afford them all in one big swoop. However, it does come pretty close. I picked the most attractive and appealing of the bunch, a bit like picking teams at school in P.E., you know where the, ahem, less able kids sheepishly dawdled their thumbs whilst the more athletic got chosen before them. Anyway, here's my review, and seeing as it's entirely based on skincare do expect a lot of 'soft', 'smooth' and 'radiant', maybe we'll do a tally at the end eh. Or maybe I'll just add 'thesaurus' to my next Christmas list.

Soap & Glory Catch A Wrinkle In Time Moisturiser - Am trying not to use the taboo words but they all apply here. This moisturiser instantly plumps and brightens the skin, leaving it glowing and looking very youthful. The results are that of a healthier appearance. I am amazed at how clear and revitalised my skin looks immediately, it's like a high dosage of energy. I do however have to use a generous amount in order to quench the thirst of my extremely dry skin. Fine lines become less prominent and ironed out after regular use, and although it is kind on facial creases, do not purchase this expecting it to work miracles on deep-set wrinkles. Sorry to be blunt (not James Blunt. Or Emily Blunt. The word blunt) but that just ain't going to happen, wrinkles will not just fade away upon appliance but they will definitely appear gentler. This cream smells like Terry's Chocolate Orange, it's not a strong or overpowering scent, just a mere hint. Overall, it's suitable for those who suffer from a dull or tired complexion as it perks up the skin right away. As the name suggests, it is also ideal for those who are just beginning to develop signs of ageing and wish to 'catch a wrinkle in time'.

Soap & Glory Glow Job Daily Radiance Moisture Lotion - Does exactly what it says on the tin. This moisturiser is infused with beads which burst after applying pressure, releasing a bronzer-like substance which provides a hint of colour to your complexion, resulting in beautiful, iridescent skin. It's a suitable product for fans of the 'au naturel' look or anybody searching for a lighter alternative to tinted moisturiser - if you regularly wear foundation then there's no real point in opting for this product because its glowing qualities will be wasted. Although the moisturiser itself seems fairly modest when smeared on, the effect is greatly noticeable. Fab if you want to give your skin a healthy and lustrous boost. It carries the same chocolate orange smell like the cream above.

Soap & Glory Wish Upon A Jar - A bit like the product above. But better. It's marketed as a collagen overhaul cream which you are supposed to use day and night for three weeks every three months - three it seems is truly the magic number here. And magic itself is the perfect word for this moisturiser. What happens if you use it more frequently than three weeks every three months, I have no idea. Does the ground open up and swallow you whole? Do you turn into a frog? Do the Soap & Glory police arrest you for defying their beauty laws? Who knows? Everything about this product is enchanting, from its name to its silver ball-like pot or tub or jar or whatever you want to call it. It has stars on it don't you know. Not real ones silly. Anyway, so the cream itself, the cream is a light pink marvel. My skin feels amazingly softer than soft when I rub it into my face, and is left looking exceptionally luminous and gleaming. It is actually all glittery - think it must be the 'triple-action youthfake wrinkle-disguising diamond spheres'. WTF I hear you ask, once again, no idea, but anything with the word diamond in it sounds pretty good to me. Supposedly these diamond spheres 'illuminate your skin with a special spectrum blue glow', at least that's what the packaging enforces. Just to clarify, no, your face does not emit a blue glow as soon as the cream is applied. That I can assure you. I promise. It does make it beautifully glisten though. And that's never a bad thing. In fact you could probably even skip the foundation with this as it leaves your complexion all smooth and even. Oh and did I mention glistening? There is something about it that reminds me of No7's Age Rewind range which used to be my favourite skincare not too long ago. That's a plus by the way.

Soap & Glory Bright Here Bright Now Instant-Radiance Energy Balm - Is meant to be a quick-fix, like injecting a shot of energy into tired and dull skin, you know, if you've been working hard all night or have been partying like crazy until the wee hours of the morning, think of it as hangover food for the skin. Does it work? Hmmmm. It's a peachy coloured cream that you can either use as a moisturiser alone or blend into your foundation if you wish, either way it has glowing properties which alleviate the complexion but go easy on it as it can also leave you looking a tad orange if you know what I mean. It doesn't make my skin dazzle like it adamantly declares, in fact it hardly does much for my complexion other than adding a little colour to it. I'd opt for Mac's Strobe Cream instead, now that's a fail-proof energy balm that Soap & Glory can take notes from. It has resurrected my skin after many late, alcohol-fuelled nights so I can nothing but highly recommend it.

Soap & Glory Night In Shining Armour Cream - A night cream at last! Has an orange-y smell to it which immediately has me drawing parallels to Garnier's Stop range. This is a beauty though. Skin feels incredibly soft after application, not to mention looks noticeably brighter too. It is an anti-wrinkle cream and so smoothes the complexion well, leaving it revitalised and youthful. Such a shame that it's a night cream and you are only heading to bed after applying it - what a waste! Must say that it has astonishing moisturising abilities though, so much so that skin is still hydrated and fresh in the morning. Good one for when the boyfriend's staying over!

Soap & Glory Face Soap and Clarity 3-in-1 Daily-Detox Vitamin C Facial Wash - Does its job. And if that's what you are looking for then fantastic. It's not a face soap but like so can dry the skin a tad after use. Lathers well and you can clearly smell the Vitamin C citrusy fragrance which instantly makes the skin feel all tingly and refreshed, reminds me very much of Garnier's Stop Anti-Ageing Skin Refining Wash. It is permeated with tiny bead-like entities which heighten the face wash experience. It does leave your skin feeling squeaky clean but is nothing special in my humble opinion.

Soap & Glory Greatest Scrub Of All - I wouldn't say it's the greatest scrub of all, I mean it's okay but definitely not the greatest scrub of all. I've had better. It's silky with the presence of ickle grains which are there to gently exfoliate your skin, these grains are not as harsh as those of some exfoliators that I have encountered before so it's not a painful experience at all. Skin is left smooth and brighter after use, although slightly dry too. Very brief but unfortunately there is nothing else I can add or elaborate with this product.

Soap & Glory Scrub Your Nose In It - Extreme tingle factor here. Has got to be something to do with the minty smell. This face scrub looks more like a clay mask due to its consistency and green-ish colour, apparently what do you know, it doubles up as a face mask too so if you're feeling lazy utilise as a scrub, if you have a few minutes to spare then treat it as a mask. It's not bad you know. If I'm being completely honest I didn't really expect much from it but it left my complexion all replenished and new. Skin feels extremely exhilarated and revived after use, and much longer thereafter. Miles better than the scrub above, skip that one and pick this one instead.

Soap & Glory The Fab Pore 15-Minute Facial Peel - Sorry, my bad, please excuse me for thinking this facial peel was actually going to be a facial peel. You mean to say it's not? Nope, not at all. It's more like a facial mask really. It's quite chalky looking, chalky in consistency and chalky when applied. With a subtle chewing gum smell. Not in a fresh and minty way but more like in a used chewing gum kind of way, the way that already chewed gum still retains that slight, small fraction of the scent it once had. This facial 'peel' is meant to be smothered on for fifteen minutes and is apparently created with oily skin in mind as it targets enlarged pores with its pore shrinking abilities. I cannot comment on this feature as my pores are rather microscopic to begin with - no, I'm not boasting, it's the truth! What I can claim is that it leaves my skin looking clean, like my skin actually looks a few shades lighter which makes me wonder just how dirty it was to begin with. Other than that there is nothing else I can find to rave about in relation to this product. It's nothing spectacular to be honest.

Soap & Glory Deep Pore Detox Mask - I want to like this, I really do, so I am trying my best to avoid slagging it off in any direct manner. It heats up when rubbed on, which is lovely because it feels all warm and soothing on the skin, and I really am impressed by stuff like that because it makes me feel like it's doing something special, even when it probably isn't. Hey, I can't help it, I'm easily swayed by illusions. You are meant to keep it slapped on for around three to five minutes but I always tend to leave face masks on for longer as it reassures me that they have done their thang properly, you know, for maximum effect. It's minty in colour and minty in scent, and feels rather tingly after the warm sensation ends. Like with most face masks, you are bound to miss a spot when rinsing it off but there is a small sponge provided should your hands not prove adequate enough. As for the result... suddenly it's gone all quiet on my end... well what can I say, it feels better on than off. This hydration and moisture thief leaves my skin extremely dry, think desert dry here - exactly what I am not looking for as my skin is pretty dry to start off with. Maybe other skin types will fare better, like those prone to an oily complexion but for me it's a huge thumbs down. See, I was very diplomatic and cordial in my assessment. It is possible from time to time you know.

Soap & Glory The Fab Pore Hot Cloth Cleanser - I really had no clue whatsoever as to what a hot pore cleanser was but I expected it to be some proper fancy treatment. So imagine my disappointment when I opened up the packaging to realise that it was only just a cleanser and face cloth combo. Nice. I do like it though. With its blend of sweet almond, orange and lavender oils it is a delight to the sense of smell, not only that but it provides an aromatherapy quality which helps to calm and pamper the skin. It really does feel like a luxurious treat. And its fragrance reminds me a little of Crème de la Mer and Yon-Ka Serum which is a good thing folks, like a really, really good thing. It's a fab product for those with dry or dehydrated skin in particular because it glides on to nourish the skin fully. Afterwards your complexion feels rejuvenated and oh so soft. Soap & Glory got it pretty darn right with this one.

Soap & Glory Dr Spot - With spot treatments where I tend to go wrong is that I expect immediate results. I know very well that applying a little of whichever special spot fighting remedy is not actually going to make those poxy irritants disappear in a jiffy yet I still expect this to be the case. Neither is slathering the stuff on. Yet I still do it. You need a little patience with this one which is a pretty tough task for somebody mega impatient like me. Let's make things clear, this won't make spots disappear in a few seconds like magic, it's no miracle gel. I have found that it is better on smaller pimples where it stops them from becoming further aggravated, and prevents them from developing into full blown volcanoes. It will not work on spots of the red and angry variety, despite its strong claims of targeting 'stubborn spots'. Slight exaggeration on their part really. I think I'll just stick with my Thursday Plantation Tea Tree Blemish Gel thank you very much.

Final verdict: Soap & Glory skincare is a little hit and miss really, with products ranging from mediocre to quite yummy. Although I admit that there are a few products that I do actually like, sadly there are none that I can say that I well and truly love - there seems to be nothing extraordinary enough on offer here to make it into my beauty hall of fame. Mind you, they are rather pretty to look at though. Ah, little ol' forever superficial me.

The thin line between necessity and compulsion

That line is definitely blurring. 'I want' is more readily becoming 'I need' as I hopelessly try to justify purchasing yet another item of clothing or footwear. Now let's be honest, I don't need any of it, I just want it real bad. And it's pretty despicable of me, what with people starving across the world, desperate for just a mere sip of water. It's not my fault though, shopping is my addiction, pity me, I deserve empathy not criticism. Hey, I worked hard for this stuff, let me enjoy it dammit.

Left: 3 Buckle Boots - Jane Norman
Aptly named like so due to the three buckle feature. Clever huh? These cute stone coloured ankle boots are neutral enough to coordinate with a variety of outfits, particularly palettes of navy, white, cream and beige. They tend to complete my winter look. And the word 'look' here is so totally misleading because all I was referring to was cream winter gear such as a coat and scarf. These beauties are quite delicate, not like your regular tough, hard-wearing boots, and therefore feel rather slinky when worn, and are surprisingly very comfortable - expect a sexy strut.

Right: Heart Print Tweedy Scoop Neck Jumper - Jane Norman
Jumpers are usually pretty frumpy, and like a camera have the tendency to add ten pounds so I generally steer well clear of all things that even remotely resemble such an unflattering garment. This one is not bulky though, and the heart print is too cute to resist, what with hearts being my favourite shape ever, followed closely by stars. This jumper enforces a tweed style, and features contrasting shades of grey in patterns of horizontal jagged lines. Most importantly, the entire piece is decorated with a silver glittery effect which makes it all sparkly and glimmery. That's right, this isn't your ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill jumper, this is one snazzy little number. As it has a lot going on and is therefore quite busy, it is best to team it with a more calm and subdued bottom half, like a simple pair of jeans or a plain short skirt.


Left: Lace Bow Tunic - Jane Norman
If you want a black top with a twist then this is your best bet. It incorporates rose patterned sheer lace along its sleeves and on its back so that you can flash a bit of flesh in a demure fashion. This top is fairly long and so can be worn with leggings, and it comes accompanied with a patent belt to nip in the waist for a more womanly hourglass figure.






Right: Leopard Print 2in1 dress - Jane Norman
Figure-hugging doesn't even marginally come close when describing this dress. This is like something out of Kim Kardashian's wardrobe. Do not purchase if you are self-conscious about your body shape because this body-con dress will highlight every lump and bump, even ones that are not there - trust me when I say it is tight, actually it is tighter than tight. However, in the same manner, it clings to every curve, and whilst it is great for hourglass figures who want to flaunt their proportions, it is also perfect for skinny girls who wish to somewhat create a more feminine physique. This dress is very short so there is a lot of skin on display, especially the thigh region, and because it is such a snug fit thighs can appear chunkier than they actually are. All in all it's a very difficult dress to pull off. The combination of the leopard print upper half and the overall short length can make you look pretty tarty and slutty so it is extremely necessary to accessorise it with simple yet elegant items for a more classy finish. Wear with black tights for more streamlined thighs, this also helps you from baring too much and diffuses the revealing nature of the dress. Black heels are a must, any other colour would be probably shift you into the realm of tacky. As with jewellery, it is best to keep pieces to a minimum, and to stick with delicate silver articles. Costume jewellery and gold creates a cheap, vulgar, market stall-like feel when teamed with this garment so are best avoided. This dress can immediately be made more chic by throwing a black blazer or cardigan in the mix, both of which break the intensity of the original item and take a little focus away from it so that it is isn't too strong in an over-the-top way.

Left: Military Double Layer Dress - Jane Norman
Last of the military as it finally makes an exit, it did seem to linger around persistently for a while there. This dress is vey kind on the figure, the black is naturally slimming, and the pleated tulip skirt is loose around the waist/stomach vicinity so if your problem areas lie around here then they are easily disguised. The gold military tab buttons jazz up what would be a fairly ordinary dress. Take the cue on how to accessorise from here - think gold - gold coin jewellery is most ideal. Animal prints also compliment this outfit well, fuse into the look via adornments like hoop earrings and chunky bangles, or for a less subtle feel splash out with a bag or pair of heels that feature the said pattern. You'll find that leopard print ankle boots are very hot at the moment.


Right: Ribbon Trim Jumper - Jane Norman
Stunning red colour. This knitted jumper has a gorgeous satin ribbon ingrained within the front which makes for a very unique feature. It has an extremely high neckline so find a means through which to exhibit a little skin elsewhere otherwise you will look pretty nun-like all covered head to toe. I wear mine with a short grey pleated skirt.






Left: Rose Print Belted Cardi - Jane Norman
A short light grey cardigan embellished with a dark grey rose print makes for a very feminine and versatile piece indeed. It has a thin patent bow belt which helps to cinch the waist, and utilises gorgeous twinkly buttons for a touch of sparkle. The short length is ideal as it ends at the smallest part of the waist thus highlighting this area. This cardigan enhances monotone outfits but also has the ability to tone down loud outfits as well - see what I mean by versatile? It bodes well with dresses and tops alike - see what I mean by versatile?!


Right: Shaggy Knit Scarf - Jane Norman
What I call my Santa beard scarf. It is heavily fringed and ultra long, believe me, it goes on for miles but is effortlessly stylish. This winter accessory has kept me warm and cosy yet fashionable at the same time.










Left: Shell and Faux Pearl Flower Necklace - Jane Norman
Herein lies the danger of online shopping. No, I don't mean credit card fraud and such, I mean misrepresentation, as in the product varying in reality from how it was shown on screen. Serves my lazy-ass right eh. This necklace appeared much larger on the website but to my disappointment was absolutely tiny when it arrived. I'm not keen on jewellery that requires a magnifying glass to be acknowledged you see. I was drawn to the delicate, romantic quality of the pendant but it is nowhere near as pretty as it looks in the image - photographic trickery and general all round propaganda I say! Hmmm, methinks it is going to be palmed off as a gift to some poor, unfortunate soul.

Right: Black Denier 120 Opaque Tights - Topshop
Perfect winter tights. Not because they are woolly or anything, but because they are pretty high on the denier scale which means legs are not visible to the naked eye. Okay, let's get this straight, I don't mean that you put them on and your legs become invisible, no, these are not magically powered tights. What I mean is that the body of the leg can be seen but no skin is on display. Clear? I love these because they allow me to continue wearing my favourite dresses and mini skirts well into winter without them looking season inappropriate. Plus if you're having a lazy day or running late these gems can let you get away with not shaving your pins - result!

Left: All Over Hearts Tulle Tights - Topshop
I decided to venture into the patterned tights domain. Don't get me wrong, nothing beats opaque tights but sometimes there is an urge to spice it up a little. These cute sheer pair are designed with vertical lines of little hearts, and as we all know, I love all things heart shaped. You can spruce up a plain-ish outfit with these, or even team them with more formal work attire because they are absolutely adorable and inoffensive, that is if your workplace doesn't enforce a strict dress code that's anti patterned hoisery.




Right: Lace Back Sheer Tights - Topshop
These kinky pair are sheer at the front and have a lace pattern that runs vertically along the back from the side of each leg so that they are of a semi plain-semi patterned composition. They tend to work well with a variety of outfits because they are not overtly adventurous or risky.




Left: Corset Back Opaque Tights - Topshop
First and foremost, boy are these tights comfortable - just like the denier 120 pair. Whereas the others are quite stockings-like in the sense that they are mega tight, these are all stretchy and cushy. This does not detract from the fact that they are also very sexy, the sheer corset panel that streams along the back gives them a racy burlesque quality. Apologies for the pretty useless pic - if you squint and focus mega hard you can see a jaggedy line at the back, this is where the said corset design takes place.



Right: Flock Rose Sheer Tights - Topshop
These are bolder than the rest. They are sheer with a darker rose pattern decorated all over, and therefore have a somewhat tattoo feel about them. Wear with a short skirt or dress so that the gorgeous design that runs through them can be fully appreciated. Absolutely beautiful and alluring, plus they feel very graceful. I totally recommend them.




Left: Boudoir Tulle Tights - Topshop
A little trickier to pull off. They have a dominant pink chain detailing that runs vertically in lines alongside columns of faint dots (image fails to showcase this pattern well) - it is this pink design that is overpowering, and so these pair of tights must be teamed with something more devoid of colour, stick with darker skirts or dresses here otherwise these tights can look fairly tacky.



Oh and in further shopping news, I am not impressed with River Island. I ordered a few bits from their website, three weeks flew by without the purchased items arriving, despite them claiming that the parcel had been dispatched and what not. I couldn't track it online via the delivery service either, something about it not being available or details not being registered, so I sent them an email and completed the contact form on their website, another five days passed before I received a response, and it was only a standard one at that - that they had been inundated with enquiries about missing parcels due to the adverse weather conditions over the busy Christmas period, blah, blah, blah, and that they would take another three to five working days for a more personalised response. Their more personalised response was that they were looking into the issue and that I could call their customer service helpline instead. Cheers River Island, very helpful and informative, big thumbs up. I tried calling their customer services but they had reduced the enquiry hours from nine-five to ten-four which meant it was impossible to call during the working week (because I'm at work silly, that's why), and when I eventually managed to call within the reduced time period, well they just completely ignored me, I didn't get an answer at all, it just rang and rang and then cut off. Grrrr! At this stage I was absolutely fuming and had to resort to sending a fairly mean email, which I was not very pleased about and felt slightly guilty about afterwards, but hey, it did the trick, within a few minutes I received two replies, that's right, not one, two - one informing me that the parcel had been lost by the courier service, and the other acknowledging me of a refund like I had demanded. I also received a further weird-ass email, something about the items being dispatched again, made no sense to me at all. Anyway so because of all that aggro I just want to say that River Island, your customer service is pants, it sucks, big time, fix up, pronto.

Phew, sorry for the definitive rant but thanks all the same for listening folks!

Ah, Two Thousand and Eleven. I've been waiting for you.

Happy New Year people!

A little late I know. But then when have I ever really been anything but so? Uh-huh, I start as I mean to go on. And yes, I am aware I have been slacking at my blogging duties. I swear I meant to write sooner but the holiday period has been rather hectic and eventful. In a good way though. Also, and I tell no lie, my internet has been most unreliable and tempestuous, disappearing every five minutes, sometimes not even there to start off with.

Anyway, so hope a truly magical Christmas and New Year was had by all. Surprisingly mine was nowhere near as lonely as I had anticipated. Christmas is all about tradition, and like the majority mine involved being surrounded by family and friends, and using the holiday season as an excuse to over-indulge. In fact over-indulgence doesn't even come close. Let's just say much food and alcohol was consumed. Presents received were very much conventional too: perfume, bath and body gift sets, chocolate and alcohol. No diamonds much to my dismay. But hey, I prefer safe pressies to wacky, random ones. Plus I was very chuffed with my Dolce and Gabbana Rose The One. I just love the original scent so much that I have been meaning to try out this variation for a while, and now I can! Don't you just love it when that happens? Hurrah for convenience! Whereas the original fragrance is much more seductive and powerful, this version is light and airy, the heavily rose-centric aspect lends it a somewhat romantic and ethereal quality. Simply put, it's fresh, floral and feminine. I like. A lot.

What I do regret this Christmas is not making it to Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park. That is one tradition I failed. I go every year, and the atmosphere is just amazing. Trailing through the markets, riding the big wheel, grazing on a doughnut or belgian waffle - the festive spirit is well and truly alive and electric. Winter Wonderland always puts me in the mood for Christmas and just really sets the tone. Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas without a trip to Hyde Park. Cue: upside down smile. You can blame the snow. Yes, we had snow, not on Christmas Day but we had snow nevertheless. Not the measly light, melt into the ground type of snow but the proper kind - heavy, huge and fluffy. It was non-stop and determined, almost a blizzard at times, and within a matter of minutes everything was covered in a blanket of white, resembling a traditional Christmas scene from a Christmas card. It was breathtakingly beautiful. And even though I trudged through the inches of snow in order to make my way into Central London, I had to give Winter Wonderland a miss. It was too cold.

One tradition (tradition is the theme of this post in case you didn't realise folks) I never keep is making New Year resolutions. I have never ever made one, and I am not likely to start. They are quite frankly pointless. There is no way I am going to join a gym or drink less so there is no purpose in me even pretending to try. There is no way I am going to quit smoking either, especially after a friend of mine presented me with an abundance of duty free cigarettes over Christmas, if anything now I feel obliged to smoke even more. Ah, so many cigarettes that I feel like showering them around my room, kind of like in the movies where a couple rob a bank, head to the nearest motel, start jumping on the bed, throwing wodges of bank notes into the air. Sure I could make a resolution that enriches my experience of life more, you know, something like to learn a new language, take up a sport, travel more, generally anything that involves an adventure of some form, but I can do all that in my sweet time without the pressure of a resolution, with resolutions it becomes a lot less fun and a hell of a lot more like a chore. And when you don't fulfil them you feel all disappointed and discouraged. Why gear yourself up for all that eh?

Although, my eating habits have become remarkably healthier since 2011 began. Nope, don't get me wrong, not a resolution in any shape or form but was a conscious decision to compensate for being such a human vacuum cleaner over the holidays. It's like day nine of this more healthy approach I have adopted, and I have exercised every single day (yoga and exercise bike), plus I have abstained from bread, and not a drop of alcohol has passed these lips. Wow. This coming from the girl who very easily ate bread all day - hey, it's such an easy food option I'll have you know. Oh and I haven't had any chocolate either, well I have had chocolate cake and chocolate biscuits but not chocolate in its most common bar form. Vegetables are now my friends people, do not be afraid of them, embrace them. Don't get me wrong, this is not a diet, it's more of a attitude, I am not depriving myself of anything, and don't worry, I haven't become sober, I am just incorporating more 'good' foods into my life and trying to limit the 'bad' ones, not eliminate or banish them entirely. Impressed? And no-uh, for the gazillionth time, it is not a New Year's resolution.

Goodbye 2010, you were a pretty crappy year.

So as I sit here, surrounded by umpteen half-eaten chocolate boxes (I tend to dive straight in for the hazelnut, praline and truffle centres, abandoning the crummy fudge, caramel and fruit ones. Oh and I'm not fond of dark chocolate either, and white for that matter), bidding farewell to 2010, I cannot for the life of me think of a single highlight from the year that has just passed. Now that is very tragic. 2010 began poorly and just continued to deteriorate. There is no way 2011 can ever surpass that. Speaking of new beginnings and all that jazz, the ex got married yesterday and is probably embarking upon his honeymoon as I type. It didn't bother me in the slightest, and I still find that odd. Sure the fact that he was getting married crossed my mind for a few seconds throughout the day, and there was a twinge of something, am not quite sure what the emotion was, perhaps sadness, I don't know, but I don't actually feel anything for the most part, am really very indifferent. And that alone is a sign that 2011 is going to be a grand year, I can just feel it. What's with all the optimism? I don't know, it's pretty out of character for me, maybe all the positivity is stemming from my healthier attitude. Even in January, the longest most depressing month ever, when it's cold and dark and wet, and everybody is skint, yes, I am utterly upbeat and hopeful. 2011 is going to kick-ass. 2011 is going to eclipse its predecessor in every way possible. Hmmm, it must be the vegetables.

Happy 2011 folks! Much love. Mwah.

When loneliness calls

We are well and truly into December, and there is something about this month that makes you feel ever so lonely if you are single. Even more so than being single on Valentine's Day. It's disheartening having nobody special to exchange pressies with on Christmas Day, having nobody special to kiss as the clock strikes twelve midnight for the New Year. The festive season sucks big time when you are single, at least for me anyway. Sure I have my family and friends but it's winter and I just want somebody who can keep me warm during the freezing weather (no, a scarf and pair of gloves are not quite the same), somebody I can walk hand in hand with through the pretty, magical and oh so fluffy snow. Damn you December, I was doing so well before you came along.

And you just know the loneliness bug has crept up and bitten you hard when you start developing a crush on the least likely of candidates, somebody who you wouldn't even glance twice at if they were to pass you by on the street. The person in question here is some dude at work who is happily married, I presume, with like a dozen kids. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no homewrecker or cheap hussy, I am not about to act upon this. Like ever. I do have some morals you know. Oh and an ounce of self-control. It's just weird, here's this guy who is like miles older than me, is not conventionally good-looking, who I actually previously even mildly disliked, and now all of a sudden I find myself strangely drawn to him. Symptoms of loneliness? It has to be.

And it's not like he's a newbie, he's pretty much part of the furniture now. It's not like he's somebody I work closely with either, I barely see him, we don't run in the same circles and have absolutely nothing in common, we don't talk, we don't acknowledge each other, so it makes no sense really. He's not even remotely nice, he is attitude and arrogance personified, the exact opposite of who I would choose to date, the kind of man I would completely steer clear of yet here I am, struggling to keep him out of my fantasies, my eyes eagerly seek him out at work, my mind goes into over-drive thinking about him, I desperately act all nonchalant when I bump into him, praying that my flustered self doesn't betray me. And to be honest, I do actually find this unusual crush rather embarrassing, ridiculous, and nothing short of positively absurd, I would be absolutely mortified if it were to ever find its way out in the open.

But yes, there is something incredibly sexy about him, he's got a little swagger going on, he's also all man, not so much in his physical appearance but in his manner and conduct, his walk, yes, he's definitely got that swagger thing going on. And yes, I do feel an insane amount of guilt for fancying a married man but like I said, and I repeat, it's not like it's going to go any further than that, it is a lust confined within the walls of my mind, which shall never find a moment to wander from within its restriction, it is well aware of its limits and what is out of bounds. Hey, it's okay to look, as long you don't touch right? Besides, my fantasies are my own, I am entitled to them so please don't tut and condemn me to hell. My fantasies are in which there are no boundaries and no rules, my fantasies have no law or code of conduct. And I am well aware that reality never matches up to the fantasy so don't worry, I am not verging on entering dangerous territory. It's not my fault, blame loneliness. That and the serious lack of talent within my workplace. Loneliness makes you lose your sanity, it makes you loopy, loneliness is beguiling, it is almost like a practical joke, loneliness is virtually a mental illness really.

So whilst loneliness envelops me like a blanket at night, and I hug my pillow tight, wallowing in self-pity, remember, when loneliness calls, don't answer.

Confessions of a Killer Part 2

Forgive me for I have become quite like a dog with a bone in relation to this whole O.J. uncovering the truth malarkey. That and I just realised that I compared myself to a dog. Anyway, I don't mean to sound all strict and bossy but you must, must, must skim through Part 1 first otherwise the contents of this post will have you all confuzzled and 'what the hell?', and you will neither understand nor appreciate fully my very recent O.J. infatutation, but if you do scan through Part 1 like I am furiously advising you to, well, then all shall become clear, and the world will be a better place. Okay, the last bit is a lie but still, rebel at your own peril, in fact I dare you to, go on.

So to continue...

O.J.'s biased account had whet my appetite but not fully satisfied it. Then I landed on 'How I Helped O.J. Get Away With Murder', written by some dude called Mike Gilbert, O.J.'s "sports agent, business advisor, and trusted confidant". Hmmm, not sure he grasped the the last bit well though, what with his revealing story and everything, I bet O.J. would agree with me there too. Yes I know practically everybody has cashed in on the O.J. saga by publishing a book of some sort at some point, even like the old man who lives down the bottom of my road, and my next-door neighbour's goldfish but I felt this Gilbert character might have something more substantial to reveal and so I got sucked into his tale. Please note, I am not at all knocking the goldfish, in fact a goldfish penning a book - that there is pure talent - somebody get the goldfish an agent already.

Gilbert's exposé more or less begins where O.J.'s left off which is pretty convenient and handy for me really, it's like some sort of a sequel. We get a close look at the ever fascinating trial from the eyes of a man at the heart of it. He views the book as a means through which to "atone for his sins", a way in which to repent for all the deceit he found himself embroiled in which heavily included "creating smokescreens". It is also an apology to both Nicole, Goldman and their respective families, not only for aiding O.J. "get away with murder" but also for failing to defend Nicole during all the physical abuse, for turning a blind eye, and for not once intervening.

Gilbert insists that before 'that night' they had all been "people you might have liked", that they "weren't evil, stupid or crazy", refusing to judge O.J. by what he believes was "the worst day of his life" but being utterly ashamed of the man he became after it. O.J. had been Gilbert's childhood hero and idol you see so the downward spiral he embarked upon after the trial naturally left Gilbert thoroughly disappointed and quickly losing respect for "the god of flight" who was thought to have been "larger than life, bigger than celebrity" prior to the altercation.

Not once does Gilbert paint O.J. as a monster, he is always depicted as "gracious, kind, warm, funny, and dignified", and although Gilbert maintains that Nicole suffered from physical abuse at the hands of her husband, he recalls moments where he was also "very warm, sympathetic, and empathetic" towards her, like the instance when his ex-wife phoned him because she was struggling to come to terms with the whole ageing process, apparently O.J. had been nothing but "sweet and kind", extremely reassuring and "encouraging", helping to boost her self-confidence and self-esteem. Gilbert also mentions Nicole's affair and insinuates that she wasn't all that saintly. However, ultimately nothing really excuses a man raising his hands, or fists even, to a woman. Gilbert agrees with much of what O.J. divulged about his ex-wife - that she was rather "angry and flustered". Nicole supposedly had issues with anybody who worked closely with O.J., treating them "dismissively and sometimes even with hostility", Gilbert recalls an occassion where she once even punched O.J.'s housekeeper just because her "mere presence" annoyed her - something O.J. also discussed in his memoirs. Although his account further corresponds with that of his former friend's when he admits that Nicole practically stalked O.J. after their separation, O.J. is contradicted when Gilbert asserts that prior to her death Nicole's attitude had changed, that she managed a complete u-turn and shunned O.J., choosing to party with her friend Faye rather than chase him like she used to - this is what apparently what angered O.J., the possibility that Nicole was finally over him and no longer needed him in her life. I guess here is strongly a case of 'it takes two', with both parties being guilty, with both displaying unreasonable behaviour, but with only one surpassing it significantly, and dangerously taking it a step or three too far.

The dynamics of O.J. and Nicole's relationship however are not majorly important here, this book boasts revelations, and revelations are what Gilbert is intent on providing, disclosing the deception and juicy antics that cultivated throughout the entire trial. The dirty tactics and level of deceit employed on O.J.'s behalf by his representatives are truly shocking at times, like insisting that O.J.'s blood was planted on the crime scene by Fuhrman, a 'racist' cop. Gilbert comes clean and confesses that Fuhrman was in fact "out of all the cops involved in the case... by far the best... was awake, alert - overall an excellent detective". And therefore sadly a huge threat to the defence team. Even O.J. himself confided that Fuhrman was a "damn good cop" and a "good witness". They set about finding a way to destroy his character, and luckily got hold of tapes where he had used racist language, using it to their advantage to present their case. Admittedly it was fair game, it's not like they had blackmailed him into spewing racist slurs but Fuhrman became entangled in controversy and was highly condemned as a result. They, it seems, had no qualms about destroying his reputation - 'all's fair in love and war' after all. The most outrageous secret that Gilbert reveals is the mystery of the shrinking glove - the suggestion that O.J. lay off his arthritis medicine for a while as this would cause his hands to swell, and in turn mean that that incriminating glove would fail to fit - this "iconic moment of the trial" was engineered by Gilbert himself and is the key to just how exactly he "helped O.J. get away with murder". They obviously weren't big on morality but then again we are talking about a man who violently slayed two people, I imagine morality probably was never a strong concern to begin with. Hey, don't get me wrong, I am not naïve, I understand that's the nature of the game, the defence crew have been hired to do a job, it's a courtroom not a church, righteousness won't pay the bills and put food on the table, all I am simply doing is relaying the events of the book as they stand.

Gilbert also mentions a somewhat confession from O.J. even though he maintained to all, including those closest to him, that he was intensely innocent - "I did go there that night, but I didn't take a knife... Nicole opened the door with a knife in her hand... if she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand, Mike, she'd still be alive". Chilling. Oh and by the way O.J., that's no real excuse. This version of events, you will find, differs to that of the one in 'If I Did It' where the knife was O.J.'s, not Nicole's. Either way he was confessing to the murders, so why would he lie about the owner of the knife? Does it really make a difference? Weird. Gilbert further believes that O.J. was "drugged-out" on Prozac during that time period, that leading up to the days before the murders he had been distinctly "vacant" and "incoherent" which is why he probably refused to accept his responsibility for the double homocide - "If O.J. had committed these murders while on Prozac, he would remember it like a dream, like something outside of himself, like something he saw from above, like an out-of-body experience. He would see it as something somebody else did, not him. It's there in some form in his mind, but not as true memory. It's called disassociative state". This theory vastly matches O.J.'s confused frame of mind in the hypothetical confession of 'If I Did It'. Does that mean he was indeed mentally fragile? Does that excuse his crime? Does that no longer make him a murderer?

What follows post trial is the death of celebrity, Gilbert narrates O.J.'s disgraceful downfall and financial ruin, as well his contempt for the dishonorable and degrading person his idol became as a result. It makes for a riveting read but is also quite sad at the same time, I even felt both sympathy and pity for O.J. at this point, I don't know why but it is quite upsetting reading about somebody losing all they have known - fame, fortune, friends. No, I haven't forgotten the cold-blooded murders, and yes, maybe I am just a soft touch. Desperate and off the rails, O.J. became a mere shadow of his former self. The trial was a Pyrrhic victory for him, a victory that came at such a great cost, something he continued paying for well and truly the rest of his life.

Gilbert is extremely self-deprecating which eventually begins to grate on you. He is continuously remorseful and apologetic that it becomes tiresome, it's like okay we get it Gilbert, you are sorry, enough about you now, more about O.J. please. Overall though the book is helpful in confirming various aspects of 'If I Did It', like Nicole's temperament and behaviour, although the motivation behind the crime still remains unclear with contrasting explanations from both Gilbert and O.J. - it's difficult to know which version to believe. I don't buy the whole 'guilty conscience urging him to put things straight' scenario though, maybe if he didn't keep mentioning it every other sentence it may have come across as more genuine but here it becomes a strong case of 'thou dost protest too much'. Gilbert is to be thanked for some of what he imparts upon us though, he has assisted me in assembling together a few more pieces of the puzzle.

Until next time, take care and keep it real folks. Much love. Mwah.