Idiots need not apply

So men, guys, fellas, dudes, you know, those creatures with the hairy chests and bulging biceps (bar the metrosexuals and the gym-phobic) - and yes, I am fully aware that beginning this post in such a manner insinuates that it will be all angsty and rant-like, full of misandry and much verbal abuse aimed at the male race but I assure you that this is definitely not the case - so men yeah, men are just so infuriatingly labyrinthine, and not in a fun, puzzle-like way but more so in an annoying, arrrrrrrrrrrgh-like way.

I don't hate men, if anything quite the opposite, I mean it would be pretty difficult to near enough impossible to date if that were the case. And I don't generalise, some men are good, some men are bad, most men are in a place somewhere in-between, led astray by confusion and poor judgement, not that I am by any means making excuses for them. All in all, I am quite men and relationship savvy, most men I have dated (and by most I mean all but one) I can confidently claim were rather nice, although at the time they may have been idiots and what not, looking back overall though they were, excuse the repetition, rather nice, and I hope that they have since remained as such. I have never dated the tattooed motorbike dude or any Cuban immigrants with the penchant to utter "say hello to my little friend", I know supposedly women like an element of danger and all that but to me, whilst it does make for an extremely impressive fantasy in my head, it does not quite translate into reality. So perhaps my relationships have been a little less exciting but at the same time they have also been a hell of lot drama-free which suits me pretty fine thank you very much.

I have always understood the male psyche well, you know, men and their caves, and all that malarkey, have always believed men to be pretty simple, straightforward beings, if they tease you they like you and all that jazz but suddenly overnight in a weird genetic mutation fashion they have become somewhat complicated. Now that's not fair, that's not what I had signed up for. All that I have learnt about the opposite sex over the years has been cruelly demolished, my evidence filled portfolio completely destroyed, men have almost become as complex as... women *gasps*.

Dating has always been a breeze to me, I have mastered it well, I am the epitome of aloof and mysterious, flirty yet reserved, it's all a balancing act, experts say play it cool, be a little unavailable and whilst this is true, push it too far and the guy in question will just assume you are not interested, the key is balance people, I know this, in the same way I know that it's different strokes for different folks, you can't treat a shy guy the same as you would an arrogant one, it's all about knowing your audience, I know this, and I know this well as I have never had to wait three days for a guy to call (said not at all in a big-headed, boastful manner) but now it seems that perhaps my once incredible charm and wit are wearing quite thin. I know when a guy is interested, I know how to keep a guy interested, 'He's Just Not That Into You' is my bible for God's sake but maybe, just maybe, my tricks have become too old, maybe, just maybe, I'm losing my touch.

I am of course as per usual going off on a tangent here, I start with a single, clear idea in my mind, and am inundated and overwhelmed with several other thought processes. Basically to sum up what I have said so far is that:

• I like men
• Men are all sorts of apples (good, bad, rotten)
• I can weed out the good from the bad
  
• I am not exactly partial to tattooed fellas, or Cubans, or tattooed Cubans
• I am not racist. Or tattoo-ist
• Tattoo-ist is not a real, actual word
• I just 'Googled' it, and tattooist is in fact a real, actual word but not in the context I intended it to be
• Men were simple spirits, men are now, in an evil twist of role reversal, very much the opposite
  
• I play the dating game well
• Rules for the said dating game above have perhaps, unbeknown to me, changed slightly
• "He's just not that into you" is my standard, no nonsense answer to all dating type dilemmas

Hope you are now on the same page as me folks. Or at least reading the same book.

The following is going to be ultra "so he goes, and then I go, and then he said, and so I said, then he goes..." - don't say I didn't warn you!

Recent ambiguous man (numero uno):

A dude I know from my young, carefree days (translate as sixth form/college period when the prospect of being twenty is old in fossil-like terms), and by 'know' I do not mean intimately, I barely looked at the poor fella twice, shallow I know but what the hell, at least I am honest - whatever happened to honesty being the best policy and all that crap eh? Anyway, so he got in touch with me last year, and boy has he emerged into a total hottie since, I met him up a couple of times since me and ex-bloke had broken up, only ex-bloke decided to incessantly declare his undying love for me in an attempt to rekindle our relationship which kinda scuppered any plans I had involving ambiguous man numero uno. He conveniently resurfaced earlier this summer, when ex-bloke was nothing but a mere distant memory, and I apologise if this summary is verging on dragging, I am attempting to shorten it without omitting any relevant facts. Dude was convinced I am a player - a popular yet completely fabricated myth - he was all serious squared (that is like a mathematics term people), banging on about what he is looking for (something very serious squared), now I had reservations about him last time round, that he perhaps had too much on his plate and not enough time to dedicate to a lady friend, just an inkling really or a vibe even, which cropped up again, and was firmly confirmed - I mean, despite contrary belief I am not what I would call high-maintenance, I am at home in my local pub than any fancy restaurant, seeing a guy any more than once a week is not expected and therefore is a major bonus for me, what I do however expect is for the man to stay in touch, communication is vital, necessary even, especially in the early stages, so when I have hooked up with a dude (and by hooked up I certainly don't mean any action between the sheets) I am not naive in assuming that he will naturally be in contact more so than prior to hooking up (still don't mean the horizontal lambada folks), I mean is that too much to ask? Apparently so. Ambiguous man numero uno who was so intent on having a serious to the power of ten relationship suddenly realised he was to busy to maintain a serious to the power of ten relationship. So why initiate it then eh, why be such a timewaster? I mean I'm not stupid, he just wasn't that into me (despite his earnest protests) - my oh so neat conclusion for all dating failures. If a guy's into you he will make time, create time, plead with the powers that be to sneak a couple of extra hours into a day somewhere somehow. It's pretty simple really.

Recent ambiguous man (numero due):

Okay so picture this, I'm out having a few drinks some Friday evening, there's a whole bunch of us scattered around the place, at the end of the evening I am told there was some dude admiring me from afar, too shy to have walked on over but did choose to jot his number down to pass along to me via a friend - now c'mon, if a guy chooses to dish his number out, like totally willingly and without any outside influence, he's definitely interested right? I mean, if a guy asks you for your number, there is a possibility that he is doing so out of courtesy and has absolutely no intentions of getting in touch but if he himself is readily distributing his digits then that surely means he's interested right?? Hmmm, the jury's out on this one it seems. So I decided to initiate a little light conversation through the easiest, most non-threatening form of communication - yep, text. So we go back and forth but his responses seem extremely bland, I mean you can tell if a guy's feeling you, he will find some excuse to be in contact, some excuse to keep the verbal banter flowing, he's the one asking you a billion questions in an attempt to fully suss you out, I tell you what he most definitely is not - bland. Sure he asked me if I fancied going for a drink, and added me as a 'friend' on Facebook (possibly just to bump his friends list) but ultimately I felt like I was making all the effort to maintain some sort of conversation, and immediately those damn words 'he's just not that into you' popped into my head. Another pesky timewaster it seems. See what I mean about blokes becoming so difficult to gauge?

So men, guys, fellas, dudes, creatures with hairy chests and bulging biceps, do choose to believe me when I urge that idiots need not apply. Can the universe kindly throw me a decent one now please?